Resident Evil Revelations – 3DS, PS3, Switch, PS4, XBox 360, XBox One, Wii U

RE - RevelationsThere are some tell-tale signs that a TV series has jumped the shark: they introduce new characters that no one cares about, they send the cast off to a tropical resort or cruise, they start writing convoluted multi-episode arcs that require a synopsis at the beginning of each episode, or they have a character physically jump over a great white shark to heighten an absurd sense of tension.  Coincidentally, this week we’re discussing Resident Evil: Revelations, an RE spinoff game with a slew of boring, nameless playable characters set on a Mediterranean cruise ship and released episodically with a “Previously on…” recap at the beginning of each chapter. (What? You expected me to work in all four scenarios? Don’t you remember Resident Evil 1? By that standard, this series literally jumped the shark in the first installment. Yes, that is the series I have decided to play in its entirety.)

RE - Characters

They team you up with Parker “Jowles” Luciano, apparently a middle aged man given a new lease on life after suffering a heart attack and an unexpected divorce. Or so I assume from his fat face.

Despite taking place between Resident Evil 4 and 5, the game was released in 2012, shortly before Resident Evil 6.  At this point, Capcom had stopped designing realistic monsters and just started putting blobfish in the microwave for a good, stout turn. Among these is a particularly obnoxious monster just called “Rachel,” who appears as a common enemy who, we are supposed to understand, is the same monster in every single encounter, one who will not die in spite of carrying around enough lead in her lungs to build a bomb shelter. Also, they brought back hunters. Of course they did. And to make them piss me off even more, they made them invisible. So in a game in which ammo is scarce, I have two monsters who suck in metal like they’re going to build an SUV out of it, but one of them also has the power of the One Ring.

RE - Monsters

This monster clearly represents how I feel after eating at Burger King.

But actually, in spite of that, there’s not too much to complain about.  There is the constant reminder that each mission was released episodically, and every single one still retains the “Previously on Resident Evil Revelations” like a daytime soap opera where instead of the characters getting cancer, the cancer comes to life, grows to hideous proportions, and tries to saw them in half with a circular saw.  Unfortunately, with the usual convolution of Resident Evil writing, such a recap helped me understand the plot about as well as Chinese subtitles.

Mostly As and Ss

Accuracy 80%    A

Deaths 23        A

Clear Time 6:56’26”

RE - Parker

This picture looks like Parker overcoming some deap-seated childhood trauma that has forever made him fearful of defending those he loved through violent means. Or maybe I’m just reading way too much into his fat face.

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The Legend of Zelda – Breath of the Wild

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Sometimes, a company puts out a bad game. Square Enix, for example, decided what fans of the Final Fantasy series truly wanted was the experience of a steaming dump being flushed through a long straight expanse of cyberpunk sewer pipe. And Nintendo put out Skyward Sword, assuming that long time Zelda fans wanted to double down on the incessant tutorials from Captain Obvious the companion character. But while Square decided to rectify their problem with two sequels worth of more sewer pipes, Nintendo took a long hard look at themselves and decided to go back to their roots.

Enter Breath of the Wild, Nintendo’s re-interpretation of the original NES gameplay. Appealing not just to modern players, but people like me who have played their games since the eighties, Breath of the wild evokes a sense of that past by employing a non-linear, open world, de-emphasizing the mandatory nature of items and casting a girl I went to school with as Princess Zelda.

Okay, Nintendo….that’s an oddly specific move on your part. I gotta be honest; I’m flattered, but that’s a little on the creepy side. I fail to see how that would appeal to anyone except me and like a dozen people I went to school with.

It’s a good choice on their part, though. We were in a handful of plays together, and I even played one of her backup dancers when she played the demonic seductress Lola in “Damn Yankees.” I have pretty good memories of Trish. I mean, how awkward would that be if I had ever dated or even had a crush on Zelda? I don’t think I could stand playing Zelda if I constantly had to be jealous of a mime who dresses in a full-length tunic and pals around with faeries. And Trish pulls off a pretty impressive British accent, considering she grew up in a town where people talk like someone held a Canadian accent face-down in a toilet for about seven minutes.


This is how people talk where I come from.

The game? Oh yeah. It was good enough. I’m not supearance on Iron Chef being one of the goals of the quest. I’m pretty sure Link just went and bought health potions, rather than spending a dozen hours brewing up food that, let’s be honest, probably just went into his sack and grew fuzz. I mean, sure it restored all my hearts…but what if I needed that effect of 20 seconds of cold resistance?

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At least he’s a pig again.

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Wait, you’re not a televangelist, are you?

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Oh dear god, I take it back. Keep the rupies, just go back into the pod!

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Hey, back off buddy. You can’t assume my cultural knowledge is the same as yours. Someone needs a little sensitivity training.

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The Deku Tree looks like you just crapped on his lawn.

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Huh. How about that. Usually that doesn’t happens unless I’m on a few mushrooms myself.

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Kabuki-posing fish me. Don’t you just want to be this guy’s friend?

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Okay, gotta be honest, the attention to detail is pretty fucking awesome.

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Uh…is that…is that a sex thing?

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At the end of his dance, sparkles shoot out of his maracas. I swear that’s not a euphemism.

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Uh, Link, you know you’re supposed to wipe it down before you sheathe it, right?

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Then we’ll see you in the sequel, Trish.

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When these guys play hide and seek, they go hard core. I imagine at least a dozen koroks die of exposure each year due to untalented seekers.

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Uh…you wanna help me out a bit?

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These guys. Apparently a cross between a walrus, my cat Ozzie, and Mr. T.

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And this is why we need male protagonists…because how else would we dress up so fabulously!

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The, uh…porcelain shrine?

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Finally got that Tremors reboot we were hoping for!

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Nintendo trying to cut a deal with Lego.

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On the other end of Hyrule, a giant cat is going nuts.

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Just a woman infatuated with her ball. Nothing to see here.

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Oh, that’s right…horses like food, don’t they?

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…ouch.

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Casual Fridays for the questing industry.

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Wait, you’re not my local congressman, are you?

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Xenoblade Chronicles II

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First up after my triumphant return…Breath of the Wild! But honestly, I don’t remember much about that right now, so here’s Xenoblade Chronicles II.

Great literature makes us think about difficult questions, and Xenoblade II is no exception. I swear wholeheartedly it’s the first time I asked myself how sentient a sex doll has to be before the hamster overlord that created it is morally obligated to ask for consent.

I can’t quite figure out if the interspecies lust for an adolescent robot is an unfortunate trend, or the game’s subtle way of acknowledging it has a Pokemon complex when it comes to tits. The game’s core mechanic revolves around collecting “blades,” superhuman cheerleaders who are intrinsically bonded to you and cheer you on, giving you super powers in combat.

Yeah, I totally see how this plays into the male power fantasies but…god damn it, Ms. Sarkesian, just this once I don’t give a damn. I might just risk the reputation that comes from digitally collecting people if I can finally have that bond with the hot blonde girl with massive cans like the girl I was just friends with in high school.

Oh, and it’s a good, solid game that improves upon the flaws of the earlier. And all that. Now lets get to a few of the literally hundreds of photos I snapped of this baby.

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Even fucking Chewbacca can’t compare to this…even if Chewie can keep it in his pants.

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*snickers like a twelve-year-old*

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This is literally how I feel when Hollywood puts out another shitty reboot and I get three hits on my blog from someone looking for BDSM on my Shadow Hearts 2 entry.

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The game is actually breathtaking…and not just for the women.

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*snickers like a school boy*

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Wait…are they going to recap the plot of Avatar: The Last Airbender?

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Shouldn’t you be wearing a gas mask when you ask that?

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Classy dialogue.

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The scriptwriters accidentally transcribed the conversation in the writers’ room.

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Mythra, I can guarantee I have never focused on anything nearly as hard as I am now. (*snickers…hard as I am now*)

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Masterpon Tora is apparently Master Roshi in disguise.

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Xenoblade plays to a key audience of boys with Napoleon complexes who all secretly desire to wake up with hot girls in their beds…

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…while still speaking for what would happen if adolescent me had ever woken up with a hot girl in my bed.

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I have like forty shots of this capybara. Apparently I really wanted to show this to you.

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Just some roly-poly hamster women in a steam bath. I don’t see what the problem is.

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For a combination sex-battle bot, Poppi actually has a lot of personality.

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There’s a rack that holds up its own towel.

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Game says what we’re all thinking.

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Okay Jake…stop taking pictures of the hot blonde chick.

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Press X!

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Seriously….I really must have thought this capybara was the coolest thing since Mythra’s chest.

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Day of the Triffids, except not as British and stupid.

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Okay…one more tit shot.

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*Snickers like I was back in sex ed*

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By the time this article posts, this will probably be Trump’s new press secretary.

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And for the ladies….

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Help me Obi-wan Kenobi

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Seriously, the creepy-crawlies in New Zealand make me want to move back to Minnesota.

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Rocks friends.

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The Xenoblade world’s equivalent of a chain gang.

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So now its…better?….that a hamster built a sex bot?

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Don’t get excited…he’s trying to convince a human female team member to take a bath with him…thinking she’s a guy.

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These guys.