The Legend of Zelda – Breath of the Wild

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Sometimes, a company puts out a bad game. Square Enix, for example, decided what fans of the Final Fantasy series truly wanted was the experience of a steaming dump being flushed through a long straight expanse of cyberpunk sewer pipe. And Nintendo put out Skyward Sword, assuming that long time Zelda fans wanted to double down on the incessant tutorials from Captain Obvious the companion character. But while Square decided to rectify their problem with two sequels worth of more sewer pipes, Nintendo took a long hard look at themselves and decided to go back to their roots.

Enter Breath of the Wild, Nintendo’s re-interpretation of the original NES gameplay. Appealing not just to modern players, but people like me who have played their games since the eighties, Breath of the wild evokes a sense of that past by employing a non-linear, open world, de-emphasizing the mandatory nature of items and casting a girl I went to school with as Princess Zelda.

Okay, Nintendo….that’s an oddly specific move on your part. I gotta be honest; I’m flattered, but that’s a little on the creepy side. I fail to see how that would appeal to anyone except me and like a dozen people I went to school with.

It’s a good choice on their part, though. We were in a handful of plays together, and I even played one of her backup dancers when she played the demonic seductress Lola in “Damn Yankees.” I have pretty good memories of Trish. I mean, how awkward would that be if I had ever dated or even had a crush on Zelda? I don’t think I could stand playing Zelda if I constantly had to be jealous of a mime who dresses in a full-length tunic and pals around with faeries. And Trish pulls off a pretty impressive British accent, considering she grew up in a town where people talk like someone held a Canadian accent face-down in a toilet for about seven minutes.


This is how people talk where I come from.

The game? Oh yeah. It was good enough. I’m not supearance on Iron Chef being one of the goals of the quest. I’m pretty sure Link just went and bought health potions, rather than spending a dozen hours brewing up food that, let’s be honest, probably just went into his sack and grew fuzz. I mean, sure it restored all my hearts…but what if I needed that effect of 20 seconds of cold resistance?

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At least he’s a pig again.

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Wait, you’re not a televangelist, are you?

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Oh dear god, I take it back. Keep the rupies, just go back into the pod!

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Hey, back off buddy. You can’t assume my cultural knowledge is the same as yours. Someone needs a little sensitivity training.

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The Deku Tree looks like you just crapped on his lawn.

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Huh. How about that. Usually that doesn’t happens unless I’m on a few mushrooms myself.

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Kabuki-posing fish me. Don’t you just want to be this guy’s friend?

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Okay, gotta be honest, the attention to detail is pretty fucking awesome.

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Uh…is that…is that a sex thing?

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At the end of his dance, sparkles shoot out of his maracas. I swear that’s not a euphemism.

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Uh, Link, you know you’re supposed to wipe it down before you sheathe it, right?

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Then we’ll see you in the sequel, Trish.

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When these guys play hide and seek, they go hard core. I imagine at least a dozen koroks die of exposure each year due to untalented seekers.

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Uh…you wanna help me out a bit?

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These guys. Apparently a cross between a walrus, my cat Ozzie, and Mr. T.

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And this is why we need male protagonists…because how else would we dress up so fabulously!

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The, uh…porcelain shrine?

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Finally got that Tremors reboot we were hoping for!

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Nintendo trying to cut a deal with Lego.

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On the other end of Hyrule, a giant cat is going nuts.

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Just a woman infatuated with her ball. Nothing to see here.

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Oh, that’s right…horses like food, don’t they?

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…ouch.

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Casual Fridays for the questing industry.

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Wait, you’re not my local congressman, are you?

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