If you’re a regular reader of my blog, first of all—thank you—and second, you’ve probably noticed something is lacking. It’s been harder and harder to get entries written, hence the fact that I’ve been posting bi-monthly, which sounds less like a writing habit and more like some sort of irregular menstrual fetish, and let’s face it: nobody wants to look at that. So here’s the deal: I’ve been struggling with depression. Not the sad, mopey Eeyore depression (although if anyone left me a comment, chances are right now I’d respond with “Thanks for noticing me.”), but more of the manic, crazy Robin Williams depression. But unfortunately, even if I’ve been so fortunate as to have a debilitating brain disorder that makes me want to make others happy, no brain disorder can bestow upon me the same brilliance, talent, or charisma as Mork.
This blog is viewed by upwards of dozens of people per…month. And I’ll not kid myself. A few of you might be shy, but avid readers who love video games, but the vast majority of views I get are people searching for BDSM who stumble upon my Shadow Hearts: Covenant article by mistake. Between that and my Brand New Youtube Channel! viewed consistently by…my wife…when she remembers…and I often feel like an accomplished professor giving a brilliant lecture to a dead log.
Is it worthwhile to write just for myself? To an extent. I do kind of like having an extensive record of all the games I’ve played. But then there are the months where I can do everything right—take my medication on time every day, get regular exercise even though exercise is miserable, sit out in the sunshine, and eat healthy—and that raises my mood about high enough that I can manage to get out of bed in the morning and occasionally shower. Or eat breakfast. (But doing them both on the same day isn’t looking good.)
So I’m currently sitting on the task of writing about three different randomizers (Legend of Zelda: like playing a new game every time, Super Metroid: like playing the same game every time, but sometimes starting off with the screw attack, and the Super Metroid Link to the Past Crossover: easily the biggest time waster since Skyrim, but fun as hell), as well as Shadowrun for the SNES (it’s like someone took William Gibson’s Neuromancer and infused it with the worst parts of point-and-click-adventures and ineffective RPG elements), and Brent Weeks’ Lightbringer Novels (Amazing fucking story about sorcerers imbued with the power of 3-D printing). Plus I’m playing through Breath of the Wild, which I could totally augment by contacting my old classmate Trish Sumersett for an interview with the voice of Princess Zelda (true story…in high school, I was in “Damn Yankees” with her. She was the beautiful seductress indentured to Satan. I was scrub baseball player #2.).
Will any of that get done? I have no fucking clue. Honestly, the future of this blog is pretty up in the air right now, and I really have to figure out if I’m struggling to write because I don’t enjoy not having an audience or if I’m struggling to write because depression is sapping enjoyment out of everything I do. So…it’s July as I’m writing this and you’re seeing this post about two weeks after my Xenogears article. (Hey, it’s my 35th birthday today! And already with the midlife crisis. Damn, I’m an early bloomer!) I’ve probably been working in the background to get something done, either personally or professionally, but let me ask a favor of you:
If you do read my blog, let me know. Leave a comment (or two or three). Talk about your favorite game or series. Do you think I’m worth reading? Do you just scan the pictures and the captions? Do I even play games you care about? Not fishing for complements…be completely honest whatever you say. You just don’t have any idea how helpful it will be to know I’m actually reaching some sort of audience.
If I had some cool catch phrase I used for signing off, I’d put it here. But I don’t.