https://retrocookie.com/2021/04/12/breath-of-fire-snes/2021-04-12T21:48:36+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2021/03/27/no-mans-sky-ps4vr/2021-03-27T03:42:03+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/09/25/resident-evil-2-remake-ps4-xbox-one-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190716205424.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190716205424A dodo. A fucking dodo. that the hell, Brian? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190716205231.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190716205231RESIDENT EVIL 2_20190716205231https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190716205059.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190716205059Obligatory taxidermy trophy buck. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190716205034.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190716205034RESIDENT EVIL 2_20190716205034https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190715211421.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715211421Sherrif, crazy as always.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190715211327.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715211327Yes, and give her about fifteen years, yes on the short one too.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190715210233.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715210233RESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715210233https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190715205933.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715205933RESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715205933https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190715205847.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715205847RESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715205847https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/resident-evil-2_20190715205706.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 2_20190715205706RESIDENT EVIL 2_201907152057062019-09-25T10:43:10+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/07/27/resident-evil-vii-biohazard-ps4/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190707135901.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190707135901Okay this just got really kinky...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706214651.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706214651"I will not tell lies..." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706213734.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706213734Nods to Silent Hill 2, Evil Dead, Clock Tower, IT, and even 1408. Maybe, I don't know...add a zombie or something? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706205404.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706205404So you know how you'll find a puzzle and dick around with it before you leave and look for the answer? Well, I nailed it on dick #1. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706201803.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706201803Yeah, they've chased me, beaten me, tried to shear me in two, and hit me with a car a few times, but I'm going to stop and judge them based on the books they read. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706201445.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706201445Sure, it's creepy. But you know he only got the role because his dad was in Resident Evil 2. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706121120.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706121120Nah. Nothing wrong here.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706120505.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706120505RESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706120505https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706120228.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706120228Ethan...getting a little weird there now.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/resident-evil-7-biohazard_20190706104401.jpgRESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20190706104401Found this outside a frat house with a "free" sign taped to it. 2019-07-27T03:24:06+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/07/17/hollow-knight-switch-ps4-xbox-one-pc-linux/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/screenshot-from-2019-07-12-21-18-25.pngScreenshot from 2019-07-12 21-18-25https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/screenshot-from-2019-07-12-21-04-28.pngScreenshot from 2019-07-12 21-04-28As his ACME bomb blows up in his face, the Knight fails to slay the Roadrunner.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/screenshot-from-2019-07-12-20-58-11.pngScreenshot from 2019-07-12 20-58-11Hey, if you're into that sort of thing...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/screenshot-from-2019-07-12-20-53-27.pngScreenshot from 2019-07-12 20-53-27Usually a gathering of creepy crawlies costs me money. I want the bugs that'll turn a profit.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/screenshot-from-2019-07-12-20-30-16.pngScreenshot from 2019-07-12 20-30-16Ahhhh! That's the last time I ask for extra beans at Chipotle!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/screenshot-from-2019-07-04-20-46-44.pngScreenshot from 2019-07-04 20-46-44The knight collapses due to his hollowness, despite a fully functioning exoskekleton2019-07-17T06:35:42+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/07/08/xenoblade-chronicles-2-torna-the-golden-country-switch/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019062121354400-press-b-to-feel-more-engaged-in-battle.jpgXenoblade Quick TimePress B to feel more engaged in battlehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019062003374600-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgXenoblade Literally Killer TartSee, as Mythra's cooking, the name serves on two different levels..https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019062003194200-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgXenoblade Mythra Cooking BlurredI love that Mythra's cooking is so bad they have to treat it like a dick in Japanese porn just to be 100% clear that no one watching wants it inside them.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019062002562400-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgXenoblade Mythra Interest of ScienceYes. "Science."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019061705262300-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgMythra TitsYes, of course...I just wanted to...I mean, I was wondering...if you...or......I'm sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019061503361500-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgXenoblade - Jin MaskI've got it! Jin is Jareth, the Goblin King from Labyrinth, re-imagined as an anime character!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019061503352400-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgXenoblade Mythra fighting MalosSo, yes, she does strike a chord with me, vaguely resembling the girl I was just friends with in high school, but given the choice between the two of them...sorry Katie. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019061503351900-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgXenoblade Addam vs MalosFor all the cool, anime-esque shots of heroes and villains fighting, I'd swear this game was directed by my seventh-grade mind.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019061502595500-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgXenoblade NoponSure they're cute now, but from 11:00 pm to 5 am when you're just trying to sleep and they won't stop using their damned wheel...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2019061204095500-4cbee39065ec88984baba68a511ddd19.jpgXenoblade Omnom NoponIf my cat could talk.2019-07-06T04:29:17+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/06/30/onimusha-series-ps2-xbox-ps4-xbox-one-nintendo-switch/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/onimusha-siege.jpgOnimusha SiegeDemon seige. Or, rather, melee, which is the complete opposite of a siege, but points for trying.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/onimusha-frat.jpgOnimusha FratIt's amazing how thousands of miles away and 400 years apart, the secret frat handshake still works.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/onimusha-fortinbras.jpegOnimusha FortinbrasI am Fortinbras! Japanese demon king who has a penchant for naming my underlings after characters from Hamlet for some reason!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/onimusha-aku.jpgOnimusha AkuI hate you already.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/onimusha-2.jpgOnimusha 2Highlight of the game was playing with the stacked Asian chick with the European fighting style.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/onimusha-1.jpgOnimusha 1Sato Castle...Feudal Japan's version of the Raccoon City Police Departmenthttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/onimusha.jpgOnimusha2019-06-30T10:10:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/06/16/resident-evil-6-ps3-ps4-xbox-one-xbox-360-switch-microsoft-windows/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/re6-sherry-jake.pngRE6 Sherry JakeThey've known each other about a week and she's already giving him the "I've got a headache" excuse.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/re6-sherry-2.pngRE6 Sherry 2Who is more mentally ill? Sherry for squeezing into the exact outfit she wore in RE2, or the guys who actually want to see her do that? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/re6-sherry.jpgRE6 SherryThis is a designer hospital gown. You know...if your ass hanging out isn't good enough, this way your tits can come loose in any of a dozen directions. Although looking closely, I think that's a push-up hospital gown. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/re6-pres.jpgRE6 PresThey turned the president into a mindless beast ready to devour those closest to him to satisfy his own monstrous hunger. And Sci-Fi continues to be prophetic.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/re6-monsters.jpgRE6 MonstersOh yeah. There are monsters, too.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/re6-leon.jpgRE6 LeonEver fire two guns whilst jumping through the air?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/re6-chris.jpgRE6 ChrisFor those of you who loved Chris's wits and strength to get out of horrific situations, enjoy him with a team full of army dudes and lots of guns!2019-06-17T00:41:54+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/04/13/resident-evil-5-ps3-ps4-xbox-one-xbox360/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re5-chainsaw.jpgRE5 - ChainsawThis guy can take a gun store to the face and still have the wherewithal to slice your neck cleanly.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re5-monty-mole.jpgRE5 - Monty MoleMonty Mole must have been hard up for work after Super Mario Bros 3https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re5-gutter.jpgRE5 - GutterChris and Sheva...minds in the gutter.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re5-chris-and-sheva.pngRE5 Chris and ShevaSheva displaying her assets in profile.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re5-chainsaw-e1555127508141.jpegRE5 - Chainsaw2019-04-13T03:54:19+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/04/06/resident-evil-revelations-3ds-ps3-switch-ps4-xbox-360-xbox-one-wii-u/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re-revelations.jpgRE - Revelationshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re-parker.jpgRE - ParkerThis picture looks like Parker overcoming some deap-seated childhood trauma that has forever made him fearful of defending those he loved through violent means. Or maybe I'm just reading way too much into his fat face.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re-monsters.jpgRE - MonstersThis monster clearly represents how I feel after eating at Burger King.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/re-characters.jpgRE - CharactersThey team you up with Parker "Jowles" Luciano, apparently a middle aged man given a new lease on life after suffering a heart attack and an unexpected divorce. Or so I assume from his fat face.2019-04-06T01:19:17+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/03/25/resident-evil-4-ps2-game-cube-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re-gun.jpgRE - GunWhy get up when you still have a bullet in the chamber?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re4-garrador.jpgRE4 - GarradorUnfortunately, he didn't have the same talent for music as Stevie Wonder or Ray Charleshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re4-chainsaw.jpgRE4 - ChainsawI get that the parasites control their hosts to spread to more hosts, but why do they put sacks over their heads and reach for the chainsaws?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re4-ashley-armor.jpgRE4 - Ashley ArmorI don't know...including this costume in the game seems like an admission of guilt to me.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re4-ashley.jpgRE4 - AshleyBecause we all want to play as a whiny, helpless teenage girl.2019-03-22T11:31:27+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/03/19/resident-evil-operation-raccoon-city-ps3-xbox-360/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re-uss.jpgRE - USSThese guys are either hardcore villains or about to drop a killer Death Metal album.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re-nemesis.jpgRE - NemesisArrgh! What I wouldn't give for a good aerrating!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re-gameplay.jpgRE - Gameplayhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/re-ada.jpgRE - AdaYour mission: kill a cameo hero that we know will escape unharmed.2019-03-19T08:25:21+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/03/02/resident-evil-spin-offs-sidequests-and-schlock/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/slus-20765-game-ss-36.jpegslus-20765-game-ss-36https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/screenshot-from-2019-02-25-23-24-14.pngScreenshot from 2019-02-25 23-24-14Forget everything I'm about to write about. This is the most intriguing thing in any of these games. Ostrich Beer? Is it beer made from ostriches or for ostriches? How does one make a beer out of ostriches anyway? Or is it regular beer ingredients with ostrich flavoring? What does ostrich taste like? I need answers!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/screenshot-from-2019-02-25-19-39-32.pngScreenshot from 2019-02-25 19-39-32Did...did I just wander into Silent Hill? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/screenshot-from-2019-02-25-19-36-36.pngScreenshot from 2019-02-25 19-36-36This would be a more horrific revelation were it not for the fact that THIS IS THE SCALPEL'S INTENDED PURPOSE. What other scary things are you going to tell us? That the bedpan is full of shit? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/resident-evil-gaiden-usa-170622-234058.pngResident Evil Gaiden (USA)-170622-234058Forget the implications behind Leon having green blood...his lips look like someone kidnapped two earthworms, hog tied them, and threw them in the trunk of a car. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/resident-evil-gaiden-usa-170622-213733.pngResident Evil Gaiden (USA)-170622-213733...mostly just to chase those punk kids off his lawn. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/resident-evil-gaiden-usa-170622-204803.pngResident Evil Gaiden (USA)-170622-204803Any of you see that Venture Bros episode where they introduced Fat Chance?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/resident-evil-gaiden-usa-170622-183215.pngResident Evil Gaiden (USA)-170622-183215And I-EE-IIII will always love you--ooooo!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/resident-evil-gaiden-usa-170622-182314.pngResident Evil Gaiden (USA)-170622-182314Jeez, it was just a request. I guess some people would rather fake their own deaths than play "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/resident-evil-gaiden-usa-170622-181335.pngResident Evil Gaiden (USA)-170622-181335And suddenly Cthulu bursts like a Xenomorph from the tyrant's intestines.2019-03-02T21:06:04+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/02/25/resident-evil-code-veronica-x-game-cube-dreamcast-ps2-ps3-xbox-360/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re-veronica.jpgRE - Veronicahttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re-tyran.jpgRE - TyranEarly in the game, you'll find BOW Grenade Rounds. If you don't save them for this guy, you'll end up living some horrible Groundhog Day life, trapped on this plane for eternity.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re-twins.jpgRE - TwinsThese two look so inbred, they're probably their own incestuous parents.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re-steve.jpgRE - SteveReally? Capcom gave me this? ...Fine. Are we doing this or what?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re-alexia.jpgRE - AlexiaNo, I won't kill you. In order to make the point that Chris is the stronger character, we're just going to pit you against my unstable brother Alfred.2019-02-22T09:30:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/02/14/resident-evil-3-nemesis-playstation-dreamcast-game-cube-ms-windows/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re3-nemesis.jpgRE3 - NemesisAnd listen to the music of the night! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re3-logo.jpgRE3 - LogoI think I remember him...he sat behind me in 10th grade Geometry.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re3-jill-fashion.jpgRE3 - Jill FashionI think Jill is looking to make herself a sandwich...preferably with Lara Croft.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re3-goin-to-work.jpgRE3 - Goin to workI often feel like this when I go to work.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/oneword.pngOneWordStars2019-02-10T09:39:26+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/02/11/resident-evil-2-ps1-n64/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re2-eye-shoulder.pngRE2 Eye ShoulderSo...Birkin has an eye...in his shoulder. How does that work? Can he actually see out of his shoulder? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re2-disturbing-stuff.pngRE2 Disturbing StuffI know the writers are bad, but this is just downright lazy.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re2-crank-start.jpgRE2 - Crank StartActual photo of me trying to start my PS2.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re2-alyson-court.jpgRE2 - Alyson CourtThe always lovely Claire Redfield.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/re2-healing.jpgre2 HealingOh, it's simple. Just get by these six zombies with whatever's left of the 30 bullets you started with and there's an herb for you. Just nudge your way past them, right?2019-02-06T01:24:05+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/02/04/resident-evil-game-cube-ps4/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/resident-evil-rebecca.jpgresident evil - rebeccaOh, Chris-kun!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re-remake-sandwich.pngre remake - sandwich...you know. If you were interested. I mean, my wife is cool with it...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re-remake-giant-sink.pngre remake - giant sinkPersonally it seems like a sink that's eight feet high and the size of a Volkswagen would not be useful for someone of Jill's stature. Maybe Umbrella employs giants. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re-remake-bee.pngre remake - beeBecause it just wouldn't be Resident Evil if your character didn't just randomly shove disgusting objects into their pockets. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/220px-resident_evil_2002_cover.jpg220px-resident_evil_2002_coverJill and the zombie are actually big Simpsons fans, and are just recreating a scene between Homer and Bart2019-01-23T04:20:47+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/01/29/resident-evil-ps1-sega-saturn-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re-dogs.jpgre dogsFortunately, launching itself head-first through the window gave it a concussion, and he's rather easy to avoid after that. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re-dc-rebecca-shark.pngre dc rebecca sharkYou have to give it to Rebecca: she finds an underground industrial complex with sharks flopping around on the concrete and doesn't even flinch.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re-dc-poe-shoots-plant.pngre dc poe shoots plantSeriously...you want me to shoot a plant? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re-dc-chris-shoots-plant.pngre dc chris shoots plantChris shoots a plant, the prequil to Chris Punches a Rockhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re-crows.jpgre crowsThese crows have little tolerance for the unwashed masses who don't appreciate art.2019-01-11T04:32:38+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/01/21/resident-evil-zero-game-cube-wii-ps3-ps4/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/reo-train-2.jpgreo train 2Step one: work together to find a way around a train. Step two: team up to fight leeches.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/reo-train.jpgreo trainZoinks! I sure hope we don't get lost in this creepy train, Scoob!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re0-leeches.pngre0 leechesAh hell yeah! Who could say no to free leeches?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re0-billy-rebecca.jpgre0 billy rebeccaRebecca's hot, but you have to take Billy too if you want the handcuffs. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/re0-ammo.jpegre0 ammoThe innovative partner system allows you to waste ammo at an all new rate as your dumb-ass partner blasts a bird with a grenade launcher you forgot you had equipped. 2019-01-04T19:01:08+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/01/15/metroid-other-m-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Metroid5.jpgMetroid5Ridley is confused as fuck as to what he's doing here and why Samus is suddenly interested in his potential as a father.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Metroid4.jpgMetroid4i gotta be honest, faults aside, this is exactly how a 3D Metroid should play.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Metroid3.jpgMetroid3Um, excuse me guys, I can't use missiles unless I'm rooted to the spot and I need just a moment to get the wii remote to figure out where its...no fair! Time out! Time out! I should have bought that Pip Boy!!!!!!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Metroid2.jpgMetroid2I know I live an awesome life of adventure as a kick-ass space bounty hunter...but maybe I'd be happier taking care of a whiny shit-factory who won't develop a reasonable circadian rhythm for up to a year.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Metroid1.jpgMetroid1Samus, depicted here mercilessly slaughtering a wounded animal, immediately after worried that her biological clock is ticking. 2019-01-02T09:05:07+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/01/08/fire-emblem-path-of-radiance/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Fire-Emblem-Horse.jpegFire Emblem Horsehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Fire-Emblem-4.jpgFire Emblem 4https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Fire-Emblem-3.jpgFire Emblem 3Dear god, will someone just take Twitter away from Trump already?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Fire-Emblem-2.jpgFire Emblem 2Like independent contractors on the death star, a horse's personal politics deeply influence which riders it will bear.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Fire-Emblem-1.jpgFire Emblem 12018-12-25T02:00:01+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/12/24/xenoblade-chronicles-ii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018102203142200-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018102203142200-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898So now its...better?....that a hamster built a sex bot?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018101403315900-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018101403315900-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898The Xenoblade world's equivalent of a chain gang.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018101320434200-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018101320434200-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898Rocks friends.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018100801132700-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018100801132700-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018100801132000-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018100801132000-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898Seriously, the creepy-crawlies in New Zealand make me want to move back to Minnesota.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018100801131800-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018100801131800-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018100303264500-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018100303264500-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898Help me Obi-wan Kenobihttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018100221131700-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018100221131700-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898And for the ladies....https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018100204175800-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018100204175800-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898Don't get excited...he's trying to convince a human female team member to take a bath with him...thinking she's a guy. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018100204062000-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898.jpg2018100204062000-659B13F48903294AE2B3FA4F12DA9898These guys. 2018-12-25T01:20:57+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2019/01/01/the-legend-of-zelda-breath-of-the-wild/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018072521270100-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018072521270100-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39At least he's a pig again. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018072521160400-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39-1.jpg2018072521160400-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018072521145200-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018072521145200-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018072417181000-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018072417181000-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39Wait, you're not my local congressman, are you? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018072215442300-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018072215442300-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018072215032600-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018072215032600-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39Casual Fridays for the questing industry.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018072214461500-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018072214461500-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39...ouch.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018071922220800-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018071922220800-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39Oh, that's right...horses like food, don't they?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018071820011900-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018071820011900-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39Just a woman infatuated with her ball. Nothing to see here. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/2018071522031200-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39.jpg2018071522031200-F1C11A22FAEE3B82F21B330E1B786A39On the other end of Hyrule, a giant cat is going nuts. 2018-12-25T01:19:44+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/12/17/welcome-back/2018-12-17T18:39:18+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/09/10/an-important-announcement/2018-07-06T16:04:09+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/09/03/xenogears-ps1/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/xeno9.jpgXeno9...one of the minor enemies, actually.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/xeno8.pngXeno8Have you considered, maybe, joining the circus? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/xeno6.jpgXeno6https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/xeno5.jpgXeno5Why does God look like someone drew a face on the Thanksgiving turkey?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/xeno3.pngXeno3https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/xeno1.jpgXeno1If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that...2018-06-18T16:41:52+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/08/20/tales-of-symphonia-game-cube-ps2-ps3/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/stales.jpgStalesAnd yeah...here's another screenshot. Look, I gotta be somewhere. We done yet?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/sheenaunicorn.jpgsheenaunicornSo uh...we gonna do this or do I have to buy you dinner first?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/sheena.jpgSheenaSheena, the only character in two worlds to own breasts.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/sconversation.jpgSconversationLike many, I am often troubled by games that try to portray pertinent information in well-written moments within the story. Fortunately, Tales of Symphonia babbles on like a fucking schizophrenic on open mic night.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/1837515-box_tos.png1837515-box_tosA game so bland the best screenshot is the box art.2018-06-18T16:28:51+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/08/06/a-link-to-the-past-randomizer-snes-rom-hack/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/screenshot-from-2018-03-28-21-05-15.pngScreenshot from 2018-03-28 21-05-15Beeeeeeees! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/alttp-vt_no-glitches-29_normal-standard_uncle-ganon_367235787-180328-000703.pngALttP - VT_no-glitches-29_normal-standard_uncle-ganon_367235787-180328-000703https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/alttp-vt_no-glitches-29_normal-standard_uncle-ganon_367235787-180324-213521.pngALttP - VT_no-glitches-29_normal-standard_uncle-ganon_367235787-180324-213521That sums up my feeling quite nicely.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/alttp-vt_no-glitches-29_normal-standard_uncle-ganon_367235787-180324-213401.pngALttP - VT_no-glitches-29_normal-standard_uncle-ganon_367235787-180324-213401Samus apparently doesn't mind that bug-catching kid sees her as a sex symbol.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/alttp-vt_no-glitches-29_normal-standard_uncle-ganon_367235787-180324-213216.pngALttP - VT_no-glitches-29_normal-standard_uncle-ganon_367235787-180324-213216Hmm...didn't Link tell me something about bombs and chickens?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/alttp-random-normal-1-180226-165957.pngALttP - Random Normal 1-180226-165957...no comment.2018-04-04T16:05:09+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/07/23/mega-man-x4-playstation-sega-saturn-ps2-and-game-cube-as-part-of-mega-man-x-collection/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/mega-man-x4-usa-180306-023434.pngMega Man X4 (USA)-180306-023434Why, praytell, would a robot need shapely breasts? Unless that's a special place to store her double-D cell batteries, I'd say the real drama behind the X series is the use of sexbots, hereafter known as "sexploids."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/mega-man-x4-usa-180306-022032.pngMega Man X4 (USA)-180306-022032Dying reploids look an awful lot like a spyrograph design.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/mega-man-x4-usa-180306-022015.pngMega Man X4 (USA)-180306-022015Zero got this technique after defeating my garage roof in February.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/mega-man-x4-usa-180303-233149.pngMega Man X4 (USA)-180303-233149No, no. It's totally reasonable that you want to build a ten-meter tall robot with giant hulk hands out of solid gold. Aren't the practical applications obvious? Oh, wait! Let's make him fly!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/mega-man-x4-usa-180303-230501.pngMega Man X4 (USA)-180303-230501X gets this weapon after beating Grady in the Overlook Hotel. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/mega-man-x4-usa-180303-224651.pngMega Man X4 (USA)-180303-224651Let's add "fire-bot and ice-bot" in same lineup to the list of things Sigma probably should stop doing. 2018-03-14T17:07:30+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/06/25/fire-emblem-the-binding-blade-gba/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-stab.pngFE - StabQuit poking me. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-report-card.pngFE - Report CardI haven't been this pissed off over a report card since I got a C in 8th Grade English.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-no-arms.pngFE - No ArmsMurdock has overcome great adversity, not having any arms sprouting from his giant shoulders.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-kage-bunshin.pngFE - Kage BunshinKage bunshin no jutsu!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-handsome.pngFE - HandsomeAnd I am conceited. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-big-bird.pngFE - Big BirdWhat the hell, dude? I just asked if you could tell me how to get to Sesame Street!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-animal-house.pngFE - Animal HouseThese are getting a little lazy. Rutger...filed his income tax. Marcus...had cake for breakfast. Roy...I don't know. Went to bed early or something.2018-03-09T14:49:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/07/09/lord-of-the-rings-the-third-age-ps2-game-cube-xbox/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/lotr-watcher.pngLoTR WatcherBatting cleanup for Gandalf, who really needs to employ the "double tap" philosophy. No use being stingy with ammo when fell beasts roam the land.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/lotr-morelembas.gifLoTR - MoreLembashttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/lotr-drums.jpgLoTR DrumsBerethor breaks up his neighbor's cave troll drum circle, complaining of the noise, but we all know it's just him being racist.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/lotr-discount-characters.jpgLoTR Discount CharactersDiscount Aragorn talks to second-rate Boromir, while shoddy immitation Arwen looks on.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/lotr-bow-legged.jpgLoTR Bow LeggedI'm not sure this is what they mean by "bow legged."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/lotr-balrog.jpgLoTR BalrogMy bet? Gandalf Plows past Balrog, but loses to M. Bison in the first two rounds.2018-03-08T17:39:36+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/06/11/okami-ps2-wii-ps4/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/okamititle.jpgOkamiTitlehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/okamiorochi.jpgOkamiOrochiThe first step to solving your drinking problem is for all eight of your heads to admit they have a drinking problem.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/okami4.jpegOkami4Amaterasu teams up with Japanese Popeyehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/okami3.jpgOkami3Just your average sun goddess dog flying around on a sword to fight an evil nine-tailed fox. God, I don't know what they smoke in Japan but I want some.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/okami2.pngOkami2Yeah, it's a beautiful game, but it KNOWS it's beautiful. Just look at that dog sitting there, watching it.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/okami1.jpgOkami1Dog. 2018-03-05T18:05:41+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/05/28/fire-emblem-awakening-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fea-squares.jpgFEA SquaresIt's a good thing the natural world created so many zones of colored tiles for them to work with. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fea-marth.jpgFEA MarthDoesn't quite have the same ring as "Ishmael." On the other hand, Moby Dick never inspired me to read anything Melville wrote, let alone play an entire series of games.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fea-harassment.jpegFEA HarassmentThat's sexual harassment, and I don't have to take it. 2018-03-05T17:40:45+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/05/14/star-fox-adventures-game-cube/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/sfa-shrek-rock.jpgSFA Shrek RockStar Fox meets stone Shrek. Because sure. Why not? At this point, who cares? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/sfa-scales.jpgSFA ScalesMy first guess? Check the henhouse.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/sfa-peppy.jpgSFA PeppyYou feeling okay Peppy? You look a little stoned there. You wanna maybe lie down for a minute or two?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/sfa-krystal.jpgSFA KrystalThe pterodactyl is definitely shooting Krystal a look that says, "I'm not getting paid enough to put up with this shit." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/sfa-combat.jpgSFA CombatYou go Fox! That'll teach him to not be able to regulate his internal body temperature!2018-03-05T16:33:16+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/04/30/fire-emblem-echoes-shadows-of-valentia-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-tiles.jpgFE TilesEven the USMC is taught to distinguish blue tiles from red.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-mycen.jpgFE MycenSir Mycen. Last name, Men. Tactical genius, though his plans often go awry.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-dragon.jpgFE DragonAlways be sure to clean out your fire breathing dragon after every use, or this may happen.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-cover.jpgFE Coverhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-celica-2.jpgFE Celica 2When on fire, wave your hands wildly in front of you like sparklers. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/fe-celica.jpgFE CelicaThere's a dirty joke in here somewhere, but I'll be damned if I'm too smitten to find it.2018-03-05T16:16:21+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/04/16/lunar-2-eternal-blue-complete-ps1/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/l2-lucia.jpgL2 LuciaThis is why you don't see a lot of Lunar cosplayers.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/l2-hiro.jpgL2 HiroA hero named Hiro. The most original idea since spelling Dracula's name backwards.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/l2-ghaleon.jpgL2 Ghaleon...because otherwise everyone's going to write off the game as a crappy sequel and we won't get any installment but Dragonsong for the next twenty years.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/l2-dance-magic.jpgL2 Dance MagicJean is going to combat the Goblin King with a little Dance Magic Dance.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/l2-cover.jpgL2 Cover2018-03-02T19:55:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/04/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-gba/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-scooby-doo.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones - scooby dooZoinks! Scoob, what say you and I check out the kitchen instead?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-lyon-bad-touches-ephraim.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones-Lyon Bad-touches EphraimEphraim experiences "bad touch" with his childhood friend.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-fantasy-video-game-trope-10023.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones-Fantasy Video Game Trope 10023Ah, yes...the tropes are strong with this one.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-dragonlance.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones-DragonlanceLaurana, Tasslehoff and Flint will come by to pick it up later.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-animal-house-ending.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones-Animal House EndingSacred Stones retains the series' traditional Animal House style endings. The good-natured thief is the one who steals a horse...and puts it in the dean's office.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-170623-180215.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones-170623-180215https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-170623-180102.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones-170623-180102https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-170623-173651.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones-170623-173651https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fire-emblem-the-sacred-stones-170623-011346.pngFire Emblem - The Sacred Stones-170623-0113462018-02-16T21:24:54+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/03/19/skyrim-ps3-xbox-360-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/skyrim-spider.jpgSkyrim SpiderWait...this isn't a Skyrim screenshot. This is a picture of me cleaning out my basement here in Duluth.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/skyrim_screenshots__solitude_at_night_by_vincent_is_mine-d5bhc67.jpgskyrim_screenshots__solitude_at_night_by_vincent_is_mine-d5bhc67Yep. A hundred plus hours of beautiful scenery, which sadly is more than we'll ever see in the real world.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/skyrim-mudcrab.jpegskyrim mudcrabMe versus the true dragonborn.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/skyrim_mammoth_bug_xd_by_truesh0ts-d4kc3c1.jpgskyrim_mammoth_bug_xd_by_truesh0ts-d4kc3c1Yeah, a flying mammoth looks weird, but I guarantee that at least two or three NPCs have a prophecy about it.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/skyrim-bear.jpgSkyrim BearFuck you, bear. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/skyrim.jpgSkyrimOne of countless beautiful images that aren't actually taken from real gameplay.2018-02-16T21:11:33+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/03/05/fire-emblem-fates-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fates-5.jpgFates 5...is that a euphemism?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fates-4.jpgFates 4The smug satisfaction one only gets from knowing that the privilege of your birth gives you the funds, the training, and the equipment it takes to eviscerate peasants like you're carving a pumpkin.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fates-3.jpegFates 3I did...but I have to say you're doing a lot to...ahem...raise my accuracy. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fates-2.jpgFates 2When your sister really wants a wedding ring...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/fates.jpgFatesEnemies on opposing sides of a bitter conflict take a moment to squeeze everyone in to the photo.2018-02-16T20:57:29+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2018/02/07/update/2018-02-07T15:17:56+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/10/23/evil-dead-fistful-of-boomstick-ps2-xbox/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/ffb5.jpgFFB5That poor car can't even get a break in a video game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/ffb4.jpgFFB4To Do: Clear street of deadites so Doc and Marty can travel back to 1955 and prevent Old Biff from giving the Necronomicon to himself, thus preventing Evil 1985 from ever happening.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/ffb3.jpgFFB3Coincidentally, this is also Sean Hannity's to-do list.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/ffb2.jpgFFB2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/ffb1.jpgFFB12017-10-09T13:09:51+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/12/04/thanks-for-playing/2017-09-19T17:59:40+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/11/20/dune-frank-herbert-sega-cd/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/spice-factory.jpgSpice FactoryMelange...it's highly addictive!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/dune-u-170622-110353.pngDune (u)-170622-110353Starring Kim Jung-un as Duncan Idaho, the legendary Scottish Highland potato farmer.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/dune-u-170622-104435.pngDune (u)-170622-104435Dad...why did you wink at me when you said that?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/dune-u-170622-102954.pngDune (u)-170622-102954Paul Atreides, meet Paul Rubenshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/dune-u-170622-102046.pngDune (u)-170622-102046Yeah, I fell asleep and my two-year-old found the hair clippers.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/dune-u-170622-101651.pngDune (u)-170622-101651...please don't.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/dune-u-170622-101501.pngDune (u)-170622-101501Such wonderful graphics! Do you know what we need in this game? Hours more of this image right here.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/dune-u-170622-100851.pngDune (u)-170622-100851I'm dead sexy!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/dune1.jpgdune12017-09-01T15:14:03+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/09/25/ocarina-of-time-n64-game-cube-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/oot-zelda.jpgOoT ZeldaJust tell me you didn't love me when you thought I was a man and I'll go.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/oot-shiek.jpgOoT ShiekLink rockin' out with his total platonic effeminate ninja friend. Pretty soon they'll be good enough to take their band on tour. We're talking Ren Faire groupies, y'all!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/oot-shadow-link.pngOoT Shadow LinkShadow Link. Boss of the second game in the series. Still a bitch after all these years.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/oot-ruto.jpgOoT RutoStill about as much fish as your average mermaid, but trading the tail for the head? Meh. I'm game. Let me dive into your water temple, o sage. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/oot-pedo-tree.jpgOoT Pedo TreeJudging by the Deku Tree's stache, this is the fantasy equivalent of "Free candy in the back of my windowless van."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/oot-fish.jpgOoT FishBecause who wouldn't want to virtually simulate sitting still for hours on end, doing nothing but staring at the water with wet socks?2017-08-28T18:16:52+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/09/18/clockwork-orange-anthony-burgess/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/clockwork.jpgClockwork2017-08-15T14:47:44+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/09/11/mame-roulette-5/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/mikietrapper.pngMikieTrapperAm I imagining the similarities? The big blue eyes, the curly blond hair...that Mikie is one smooth, wisecracking operator!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/mikiegif.gifMikiegifFailure teaches success...I don't know if that's profound, or a subliminal message urging me to feed more money into the machine.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/last-fortress.pngLast FortressI'd do her...but only after a rousing bastardization of a classic Chinese game of chance. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/golden-tee.pngGolden TeeThis isn't a screenshot. This is an actual video of someone golfing.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/funnymou.pngfunnymou...ugh. No caption. Honestly I couldn't care less.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/double-dragon.jpgDouble DragonAfter defeating Billy, the game decides Jimmy will now fight a fire. Hey, I don't see Mortal Kombat coming up with anything new. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/circus-charlie.pngCircus CharlieLet's make it interesting, Charles. Most of these monkeys are harmless. One of them is the monkey from the movie Outbreak. Your move, clown.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/berlin-wall.jpgBerlin WallThe Chibi Vegetables imposed on the background of casual alcoholics really provides a striking commentary on the economic disparities of post WWII Germany.2017-08-14T16:45:16+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/09/04/2832/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/final-fantasy-adventure-170621-093725.pngFinal Fantasy Adventure-170621-093725https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/light.jpgLightI'm pretty sure we're looking at Skynet in his punk adolescent years.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/hillary_rodham_clinton_playing_a_nintendo_game_boy_video_game_on_the_flight_from_austin_en_route_to_washington_dc.jpgHillary_Rodham_Clinton_playing_a_Nintendo_Game_Boy_video_game_on_the_flight_from_Austin_en_route_to_Washington,_DC"If you put it just really simply, these violent video games are stealing the innocence of our children..." Which is why I have to steal my daughter's Game Boy to play Tetris. Forget Benghazzi. This is the real crime. Lock her up! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/final-fantasy-adventure-170621-193414.pngFinal Fantasy Adventure-170621-193414As opposed to other plants that crave electrolytes. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/final-fantasy-adventure-170621-171118.pngFinal Fantasy Adventure-170621-171118https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/final-fantasy-adventure-170621-160109.pngFinal Fantasy Adventure-170621-160109Dr. Bowwow reveals his cyborg chocobo. This game isn't weird at all.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/final-fantasy-adventure-170621-123633.pngFinal Fantasy Adventure-170621-123633...I'm not sure that's how that works.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/final-fantasy-adventure-170621-112530.pngFinal Fantasy Adventure-170621-112530She doesn't like it when you come into her mouth without telling her.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/final-fantasy-adventure-170621-110021.pngFinal Fantasy Adventure-170621-1100212017-08-12T12:57:27+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/08/28/ready-player-one-ernest-cline/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/63210.jpg632102017-08-12T12:35:22+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/08/21/earthbound-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170718-013435.pngEarthbound-170718-013435What can he say except "You're welcome?"https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170717-015635.pngEarthbound-170717-015635Nothing suspicious about a bunch of people shoved into test tubes.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170716-025754.pngEarthbound-170716-025754The game has a twenty-year-old reputation for charming its players.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170713-203746.pngEarthbound-170713-203746...seems legit.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170711-023231.pngEarthbound-170711-023231Here I am fighting something that looks like it was sneezed out of a wildebeest with ebola.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170711-021642.pngEarthbound-170711-021642I lay down a fat wad of bills to bail these guys out of debt, but i still have to pay to see their show?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170710-003752.pngEarthbound-170710-003752Oddly enough, I feel like this one actually merits a bat upside the head.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170709-234855.pngEarthbound-170709-234855Wait...how much? Is there something you're not telling me? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170709-234559.pngEarthbound-170709-234559Halfway through, Ness just starts flipping him off, hoping he'll get the picture and stop following him. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/earthbound-170709-022333.pngEarthbound-170709-022333The moment Ness realizes that All Lives Matter won't come and save him.2017-07-20T01:02:51+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/10/16/dracula-bram-stoker/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/dracula.jpgDracula2017-07-17T18:10:57+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/10/30/kuon-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/kuon3.jpegKuon3Gakis be pimpin'https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/kuon2.jpgKuon2Just casually wandering through the aftermath of a lynching.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/kuon1.jpgKuon1Jinkies!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/kuon0.jpgKuon0Hey! Eyes up here, mister!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/143-4385_img.jpg143-4385_IMGForget Cousin It's daughter. I've always had a huge crush on Cthulu's little sister.2017-07-09T20:18:50+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/08/14/fire-emblem-shadow-dragon-nintendo-ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/fire-emblem-box.jpgFire Emblem Boxhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/fire-4.jpgFire 4https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/fire-3.pngFire 3https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/fire-2.jpgFire 2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/fire-1.jpgFire 12017-07-03T17:35:22+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/06/26/mame-roulette-3/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/ladybug-1359948050.pngladybug-1359948050Built by a guy who doesn't want to keep pests out of his garden completely, but wants to be sure they've learned something on their way in. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/gorf2.pngGORF2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/gorf.gifGORFhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/elevator-action-usa.pngelevator-action-usaMy favorite strategy is getting in the elevator and hitting the "1" button.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/chopper.pngchopperSynchronized choppinghttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/big-karnak-arcade-gaelco-xtreme-retro-2.pngBig-Karnak-Arcade-Gaelco-Xtreme-Retro-2Um...excuse me...I think you have something that belongs to me.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/118124210572.png118124210572I don't know who's lazier, the guy who takes the elevator to the second floor, or the guy who decides that building an elevator that goes to the third floor is too much work.2017-06-26T17:12:17+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/08/07/lunar-the-silver-star-sega-cd/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170625-033252.pngLunar the Silver Star-170625-033252Alex saves the world, rescues the girl, and cures his erectile dysfunction all in the same day.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170622-020938.pngLunar the Silver Star-170622-020938Okay, so the insane dragon skeleton is actually a pretty cool element that didn't make it into the remake.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170621-012601.pngLunar the Silver Star-170621-012601Copyright DC Comics 1958https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170620-202958.pngLunar the Silver Star-170620-202958These are the stories creationists tell around a campfire to scare their children.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170620-015025.pngLunar the Silver Star-170620-015025I want to say something I'm sure is inappropriate, but I'm not sure if it's because they're underage or because they're cartoons.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170616-022939.pngLunar the Silver Star-170616-022939That's funny, I have the same policy for traveler's insurance, roadkill and Microsoft products.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170615-223044.pngLunar the Silver Star-170615-223044Yeah, this is something a hero would say that no one should be suspicious of in the least. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170615-221129.pngLunar the Silver Star-170615-221129There are like six different kinds of nightmares happening right now.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170614-041504.pngLunar the Silver Star-170614-041504Too bad the only practical use for this spell is pissing off rednecks in diners and republican politicians.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/lunar-the-silver-star-170613-231121.pngLunar the Silver Star-170613-231121I'm, laike, totally a traveler! Totally!2017-06-26T16:31:03+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/10/09/castlevania-bloodlines-sega-genesis/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-bloodlines-170611-034917.pngCastlevania - Bloodlines-170611-034917Why does Morris look like he's about to be sexually gratified by garroting Lecard?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-bloodlines-170608-033426.pngCastlevania - Bloodlines-170608-033426Remember, game developers, just because you *can* doesn't mean you *should*https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-bloodlines-170607-212443.pngCastlevania - Bloodlines-170607-212443Don't you remember one of the most frightening horror monsters of all time, the pile of gears? Seeing as how this is in Germany, I can only infer that this is the ultimate evolution of the Klink pokemon.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-bloodlines-170606-031729.pngCastlevania - Bloodlines-170606-031729Lecard tempting Lady Liberty to drop her toga for all the world to see. There's an angel on the other side acting as her conscience. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-bloodlines-170606-030550.pngCastlevania - Bloodlines-170606-030550Nothing like a serene ocean sunset to make our hearts bubble with fear and terror.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-bloodlines-170606-025626.pngCastlevania - Bloodlines-170606-025626Looks like the dog got into the Buffalo Wild Wings leftovers last night.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-bloodlines-170606-025359.pngCastlevania - Bloodlines-170606-0253592017-06-11T21:58:28+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/10/02/castlevania-harmony-of-dissonance-gba/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-harmony-of-dissonance-170604-201711.pngCastlevania - Harmony of Dissonance-170604-201711Jesus fucking christ, the feminists are going to be pissed over this one.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-harmony-of-dissonance-170603-232953.pngCastlevania - Harmony of Dissonance-170603-232953I'd take more pleasure in riding Death like a bitch if he wasn't wearing his mom's high heels on his hands.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-harmony-of-dissonance-170603-215722.pngCastlevania - Harmony of Dissonance-170603-215722And yeah...this is pretty much how you beat every boss in the game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-harmony-of-dissonance-170603-025451.pngCastlevania - Harmony of Dissonance-170603-025451Shortly after this, Pazuzu was called away to pull Professor Farnsworth out of the Fountain of Aginghttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-harmony-of-dissonance-170603-023425.pngCastlevania - Harmony of Dissonance-170603-023425https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/castlevania-harmony-of-dissonance-170601-010753.pngCastlevania - Harmony of Dissonance-170601-010753Charles Schultz had a short-lived career writing horror before authoring Charlie Brown.2017-06-05T16:53:01+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/07/31/final-fantasy-xii-costume-analysis/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/judges.jpgjudgeshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/ashe_alt_render.pngAshe_Alt_Renderhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/ashe.jpgAshehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/basch.pngBaschhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/penelo4.jpgPenelo4https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/fran.pngFranhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/revenant.jpgRevenanthttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/penelo.pngPenelohttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/vaan.pngVaan2017-06-01T17:42:56+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/07/24/mame-roulette-4/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/hqdefault.jpghqdefaultThis is pretty much the whole game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/deadconx-3.gifdeadconx-3Not only that, but there's a guy behind you too.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/dead-connection-3.pngDead Connection-3In the future, you can just ring the bell on the desk.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/danny1.pngDanny1Not exactly pushing boundaries.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/danny.jpgDannyThis is Danny Sullivan. In heat.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/11812421416.png11812421416This is what you get when you mix acid and weed.2017-05-15T19:11:19+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/07/17/final-fantasy-xii-revenant-wings-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/final-fantasy-xii-revenant-wings-20071015095340660-2161759_320w.jpgfinal-fantasy-xii-revenant-wings-20071015095340660-2161759_320whttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/final-fantasy-xii-revenant-wings-20070716012108652-000.jpgfinal-fantasy-xii-revenant-wings-20070716012108652-000https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/final-fantasy-12-revenant-wings-vaan-penelo.jpgfinal-fantasy-12-revenant-wings-vaan-penelohttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/ff12-revenant-wings-wallpaper-4.jpgff12-revenant-wings-wallpaper-4Penelo seems to have gained some fashion sense in discarding her rubber onesie.2017-05-15T18:59:40+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/07/10/mistborn-the-final-empire-brandon-sanderson/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/51e7v-pdyl.jpg51E+7V-PDyL2017-05-15T18:47:17+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/07/03/golden-axe-iii-sega-genesis/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-154605.pngRetroArch-0802-154605There's someone just above the screen dangling these things in front of him for their own amusement.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-152813.pngRetroArch-0802-152813Chronos, eyeing up the map as a good place to sit.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-152732.pngRetroArch-0802-152732My cat sleeps like this too.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-152430.pngRetroArch-0802-152430Note: The snails are the fastest thing about this game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-152250.pngRetroArch-0802-152250...well then. Giddyup.2017-07-03T13:44:42+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/06/19/casino-royale-ian-fleming/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/casino.jpgCasino2017-04-25T15:10:05+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/06/12/final-fantasy-xii-international-zodiac-job-system-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/060.png060This one's shaped like a bow and arrow. Obviously, this is the Insurance Adjuster job class. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/051.jpg051Cactoid dance!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/050.jpg050Ashe and Co gang up on a defenseless tomato-monster.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/049.jpg049Looks almost dead, right? Guess again. See those dots below the health bar? Those are extra health bars. Or as I like to think of them, 1% of your total play time.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/048.jpg048Final Fantasy's bad-ass, revenge-seeking bride. I made her a samurai so she could kick Uma Thurman's ass. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/042.jpg042"And also, no wedding cakes for the gays!"2017-04-25T15:03:25+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/05/29/the-maze-runner-james-dashner/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/maze.jpgMaze2017-03-15T18:54:10+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/03/14/enders-game-mork-calling-orson-scott-card/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/ender.jpgEnderThe results of a head-on collision between Mega Man and Tron while on the Small World ride at Disney World. 2017-03-15T18:10:39+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/05/22/thrawn-trilogy-heir-to-the-empire-dark-force-rising-the-last-command-timothy-zahn/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/3-last.jpg3-lasthttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/2-dark.jpg2-darkhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/1-heir.jpg1-heir2017-03-03T17:31:48+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/05/15/shadow-of-mordor-ps4-ps3-xbox-one-xbox-360-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/shadow-of-mordor-success-is-due-to-player-made-stories-dev-believes-472252-7.jpgshadow-of-mordor-success-is-due-to-player-made-stories-dev-believes-472252-7Tinder profiles in Mordor.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/shadow-of-mordor-screenshot-gollum-and-ghost.jpgshadow-of-mordor-screenshot-gollum-and-ghosthttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/shadow-of-mordor-ps4-12.jpgMiddle-earth™: Shadow of Mordor™_20140926235526Just a scratch. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/screenshot-from-2017-03-01-10-49-22.pngscreenshot-from-2017-03-01-10-49-22The Force has a strong influence on the weak mind.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/middleearthshadowofmordor_caragorriding_screenshot.jpgmiddleearthshadowofmordor_caragorriding_screenshotThis is lame. Why am I not riding a fucking direwolf? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/6253cebcee7fb21366586beb34ded7510008f6c5ddcce6eab426882e55274ff0.jpg6253cebcee7fb21366586beb34ded7510008f6c5ddcce6eab426882e55274ff0Man-swine! Let me go into extended detail on my displeasure with our previous encounter, be it for my demise or your return from yours. 2017-03-01T17:04:59+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/05/08/resident-evil-the-mercenaries-3d-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/screenshot-resident-evil-the-mercenaries-3d-800x480-2011-06-29-94.jpgscreenshot-resident-evil-the-mercenaries-3d-800x480-2011-06-29-94As far as I can tell, you get a double-S rating just for killing this guy.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/resident_evil_3ds_mercs.jpgresident_evil_3ds_mercshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/re_mercenaries_3ds_screen_01.jpgre_mercenaries_3ds_screen_01Ultimate matrix-y super villain Wesker--now with all the strength of a maxi-pad.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/hunk_000200000_bmp_jpgcopy.jpghunk_000200000_bmp_jpgcopyShould we include popular protagonists like Leon and Ada? Nah. Let's use the are-you-my-mummy guy!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/chainsaw.jpgchainsawMost likely the last thing you'll see. He's like a ninja.2017-02-12T18:36:21+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/05/01/the-legend-of-zelda-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-092228.pngretroarch-0802-092228What kind of fantasy world is this where I still need a prescription and a part-time job as an exterminator just to get medicine? I'm going to rescue Zelda, not roofie her!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-091020.pngretroarch-0802-091020...let me guess, the Democrats are in charge again. Don't you know that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a sword is a good guy with a sword?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-090620.pngretroarch-0802-090620No, dude, this'll totally work. I saw a cartoon rabbit do it on TV.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-085127.pngretroarch-0802-085127It's a good thing that Hylians don't speak in cryptic riddles or this might be really hard to figure out.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-084508.pngretroarch-0802-084508Let me hold it up to the light here...what, did you make this yourself? You really want to send me off to rescue your wrinkly ass with...what is this? Balsa wood? Yeah, some great hero of Hyrule I'll be. "He could have saved everyone if it weren't for that nest of termites." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-084151.pngretroarch-0802-084151Whoah, Ganon, dude...you gotta get out more. Lift a few weights. Cut back on the like-like steaks. I almost feel bad fighting you in that shape.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/retroarch-0802-075031.pngretroarch-0802-075031Tink? Is that you? Come a little closer...there's something really interesting in this bottle...2017-02-08T19:57:50+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/04/24/lego-lord-of-the-rings-wii-3ds-nds-ps3-ps-vita-xbox-360/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/rohirrim.jpgrohirrimLet's mow down some motherfuckin' orcs!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/plastic-lave.pngplastic-laveSo if the lava is 1300 degrees, how hot does the air have to be to melt plastic?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/nazgul.jpgnazgulNo, I am your father.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/mumak.jpgmumakThat still only counts as one!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/mt-doom.jpgmt-doomYou know what protects your ring better than a smooth, unguarded pathway leading to a ledge over the only thing hot enough to destroy the One Ring? ANYTHING!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/helms-deep.jpghelms-deepThey've reigned in Legolas' showboating. A little. 2017-02-02T16:24:36+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/04/17/new-super-mario-bros-wii-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/penguin.pngpenguinPenguin Suit. Because nothing says "Take to the skies!" like a chubby flightless bird with a strict black tie-dress code.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/new-super-mario.jpgnew-super-mariohttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/hub.jpghubLike the hub world from SMB3, but with the added benefit of not having to make as many decisions!2017-02-02T15:56:31+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/04/10/the-elfstones-of-shannara-terry-brooks/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/elfstones-of-shannara.jpgelfstones-of-shannara2017-02-02T15:48:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/04/03/mame-roulette-2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/mania.pngmaniaAfterwards they go to the gym to lift their huge triangular iron weights.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/knock-out.jpgknock-outEasily discernible from Amigo because instead of painting squares blue, you paint them teal.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/fast-freddie.pngfast-freddieSadly, Freddie got caught in his safety harness and ended up dangling like an old west outlaw.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/blades_of_steel_arc_fight.pngblades_of_steel_arc_fightWhy do hockey players insist on punching each other all the time? Don't they know they've got razors attached to their feet? It's in the title of the game for god's sake!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/blades.pngbladesLining up for the face off was the one thing I knew how to do in real life. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/azurian.pngazurianGives a whole new meaning to the term "Spaceballs"https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/amigo.jpgamigoA yellow gorilla collects pellets to paint the town blue against the wishes of green tribal stereotypes. It's so obvious, I'm ashamed it took so long for them to make the game!2017-01-26T17:07:16+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/03/27/legends-of-the-dark-crystal-barbara-kesel/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/legends.jpglegends2017-01-26T16:38:14+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/03/20/family-guy-video-game-ps2-psp-xbox/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/fg-too-bad.jpgfg-too-badThis section looks like fun. Too bad I can't play it.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/fg-glitch2.jpgfg-glitch2Most cut-away gags are played out as minigames and have about as much bearing on the plot as they do in the TV show. The manatees must have been having an off day.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/fg-glitch.jpgfg-glitchPicture of Joe in the back to remind you how this glitch will cripple you permanently.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/fg-electrocute.pngfg-electrocutehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/fg-cover.jpgfg-coverhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/fg-brian.jpgfg-brianBrian disguised as a lamp. His sections were clever and entertaining, mostly because I didn't play long enough to remember why I hate stealth games.2017-01-06T21:04:13+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/03/13/nightfire-ps2-xbox-game-cube/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/nightvision.jpgnightvisionThe game gives you constant access to night and heat vision, which you will probably only remember when you search for screen shots for your blog post.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/japan.jpgjapanVisit exotic locales. Meet the local population. Then shoot them.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/driving.jpgdrivingWait, this isn't a screenshot from Nightfire...this is a photograph from my driving test.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/dominique.pngdominiquehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/alura-mccall.jpgalura-mccallThe game forges emotional connections with the characters by killing you constantly so you have to stare at Alura McCall for a combined total of three hours.2017-01-03T16:34:54+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/02/27/goldeneye-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/sean-bean.pngsean-beanhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/natalya.jpgnatalyaAt least the girl is still hot...and you only have to babysit her once.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/multiplayer.jpgmultiplayerThere's a multiplayer, too. I didn't bother.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/goldeneye.jpggoldeneyeTotally based on the movie. Not based off the N64 game in the least.2016-12-17T16:25:18+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/01/30/shadows-of-the-dark-crystal-j-m-lee/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/the_skeksis-yearbook.pngthe_skeksis-yearbookAnd I thought my yearbook photo was bad...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/skeksis.jpgskeksishttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/shadows.jpgshadows2016-11-16T01:51:51+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/11/15/announcement/2016-11-15T17:11:29+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/01/23/the-greedy-cave-android/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/the-greedy-cave-apk-003.jpgthe-greedy-cave-apk-0032016-11-15T17:08:27+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/02/13/xenoblade-chronicles-wii-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/xenoblade-fiora.jpgxenoblade-fiorahttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/xenoblade-chronicles-eyrth-sea-screenshot.jpgxenoblade-chronicles-eyrth-sea-screenshothttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/xenoblade_-_battle_system_without_monado.pngxenoblade_-_battle_system_without_monadohttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/xenoblade.jpgxenobladehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/riki_swag.gifriki_swag2016-11-15T17:01:35+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/01/16/the-initiate-brother-sean-russell/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/the-initiate-brother-duology-the-initiate-brother-gatherer-of-clouds_2895815.jpgthe-initiate-brother-duology-the-initiate-brother-gatherer-of-clouds_28958152016-09-13T17:37:09+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/01/09/shovel-knight-computer-3ds-ps-vita-ps3-ps4-xbox-one-wiiu/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/streetpass.pngstreetpassHonestly, I'm not even sure if this is a screenshot from the game or if there's been some expansion released.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/shovel-knight-screenshot-18.pngshovel-knight-screenshot-18Gladly.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/shovel-knight.jpgshovel-knightShortly, all games will legally require artwork wherein all the game's characters stampede outwards from the box in dramatic recreation of either the Big Bang or a Kool Aid commercial.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/screen_09.pngscreen_09This looks exciting. Too bad I couldn't make it that far.2016-09-13T17:34:16+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2017/01/02/google-cardboard/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/play-minecraft-with-google-cardboard-1024x639.pngplay-minecraft-with-google-cardboard-1024x639Now you can add to the graphic realism of a game known for having intentionally unrealistic graphics!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/itchy.jpgitchy...leave him alone. Grandpa Itchy needs some personal time.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/google-cardboard-virtual-reality-vr-headset-3d-glasses-01.jpggoogle-cardboard-virtual-reality-vr-headset-3d-glasses-01Ladies and gentlemen, the ultimate in technological gaming.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/google-cardboard.jpggoogle-cardboardShe's either playing virtual spelunker, or she hasn't figured out that her phone isn't on. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/cardboard3.jpgcardboard3It's like actually reading a real National Geographic article!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/cardboard1.jpgcardboard1In virtual reality, you'll no longer feel inadequate about your penis!2016-09-13T17:18:38+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/08/29/shining-in-the-darkness-sega-genesis/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/retroarch-0731-012515.pngRetroArch-0731-012515In Soviet Thornwood, egg cooks you.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/retroarch-0730-214157.pngRetroArch-0730-214157Malligator deals 41 points of damage, then strikes a pose to show off his bitchin' hair. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/retroarch-0730-210840.pngRetroArch-0730-210840I prefer to think of this less as an abusive scene where a hero is punished for saving the world, and more in the lines of, "Hey, this is getting good..."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/retroarch-0730-125116.pngRetroArch-0730-125116You're lost and wounded, deep underground with no civilized life form around for miles? Hmm...that's awfully nice armor you're wearing...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/retroarch-0730-105537.pngRetroArch-0730-105537I'll tell you what I'm not selling...cocaine. I think you've had enough.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/retroarch-0730-072327.pngRetroArch-0730-072327Lecherous slugs. Hermaphrodites, if the cursor os any indication.2016-09-02T16:00:41+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/12/26/mame-roulette/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/penguin-kun-wars-j.pngPenguin Kun Wars (J)I think I've played this game in real life...when I was six years old.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/haunted_castle_arcade_03.pngHaunted_Castle_(Arcade)_03Belmont is either going to punch Dracula with an oversized cartoon fist, or he's about to go super saiyan. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/haunted-castle.jpgHaunted CastleThis is either a bad ad for an arcade game, or a good ad for a bad porn. Either way, nothing's getting turned on.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/gun-dealer.pngGun DealerSomewhere out there, Dr. Mario is turning in his grave.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/gundealer010.jpggundealer010Nice guns.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/gimme.jpgGimmeFun fact: there's absolutely no way to make this caption interesting.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/frogger.pngFroggerThe hydrophobic amphibian waits in the street to end it all. Trust me. He's better off.2016-08-10T20:29:15+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/12/19/illusion-of-gaia-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/retroarch-0801-173125.pngRetroArch-0801-173125Much like many in the animal kingdom, the ancient warrior of light, when threatened, will wet himself as a defense mechanism.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/retroarch-0801-134035.pngRetroArch-0801-134035This is the most fun I had since playing the merchant in Dragon Quest IV.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/retroarch-0801-125220.pngRetroArch-0801-125220Will defaces a UNESCO World Heritage site, the Chinese Terra Cotta Soldiers.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/retroarch-0801-122901.pngRetroArch-0801-122901...good luck with that. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/retroarch-0801-115217.pngRetroArch-0801-115217And I would walk 500 more...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/retroarch-0801-100509.pngRetroArch-0801-100509Freedan fights ancient Nazca robot while a string of anal beads looks on.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/retroarch-0801-074450.pngRetroArch-0801-074450The George W. Bush homeland security policy. Gaia does a wicked harsh cavity search.2016-08-09T20:41:33+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/12/12/zelda-ii-the-adventure-of-link-nes-game-cube-gba/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0801-023344.pngRetroArch-0801-023344Fuck you, Nintendo of America Censors! Look what I got! Religious iconography! (But they insisted on renaming the temples as "palaces")https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0801-020544.pngRetroArch-0801-020544If I had a hammer...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0731-202004.pngRetroArch-0731-202004Link's slides of his vacation to Easter Island.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0731-192006.pngRetroArch-0731-192006https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retro.jpgRetro...it's not what it looks like! Unfortunately. And did I mention that this, faeries, and a "life" spell are the only ways to regain health?2016-08-05T17:25:20+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/12/05/shadow-of-the-colossus-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/shadow-sta.jpgShadow StaDo you mind explaining why you need to aim with a sword?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/shadow-pig.jpgShadow pigThis colossus could easily ride an elevator.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/shadow-horse.jpgShadow HorseHaving no way to tell Agro to stop, I had to improvise.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/shadow-head.jpgShadow HeadShake it like a 100-meter tall Polaroid picture trying to make the photographer plummet to his death!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/shadow-bow.jpgShadow BowJudging whether the attack will do more damage against the stone, or the shag carpet it wears like a burkahttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/shadow.jpgShadowTake it easy, buddy. Just put down the Washington Monument and no one will get hurt.2016-08-01T19:41:54+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/11/28/we-love-katamari-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/katamari-toilet.jpgKatamari - ToiletWhen you don't just want to poop, but rather convert your feces to a high quality carbon gem and use it to focus a laser.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/katamari-title.jpgKatamari - Titlehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/katamari-plants.jpgKatamari - PlantsPlants: the one thing not found on redneck lawns.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/katamari-king.pngKatamari - KingFigures that a man the size of a small moon would find a girl with breasts like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/katamari-fireflies.pngKatamari - FirefliesGathering fireflies for the stupid SOB trying to read in the woods at night.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/katamari_damacy_2_60.jpgkatamari_damacy_2_60Wait 'till Cletus and Bobby-Jo get a load of my haul! We're gonna need a bigger yard!2016-07-30T13:37:59+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/11/21/final-fantasy-explorers-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/ex-yuna.jpgEx YunaDress up as or transform into your favorite FF protagonist! Or just go play that game instead!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/ex-range.jpgEx rangeJudging distance for ranged attacks is not easy. If ONLY there were some way they could have used the 3DS hardware to make it easier to gauge depth...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/ex-knight.jpgEx KnightOf course, considering the rarity of items required to forge job-specific armor, we're probably looking at a white mage. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/ex-gyrados.jpgEx GyradosSave yourself the time leveling up your Magikarp and go straight for the Gyrados.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/ex-alex.jpgEx AlexBe our guest, be our guest. Fight a castle. Feel impressed! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/ex.jpgExWith this elaborate and detailed box art consisting of...the logo against a white background...you know this is going to be good! No, wait, the other thing. A minimal effort on Square's part to blandly cash in on the nostalgia that should be driving their major titles.2016-07-29T13:37:58+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/03/16/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-ii-the-arcade-game-arcade-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-104428.pngNinja Turtles Arcade SplinterWow, you know what would really help right now? If someone with jonin ninja skills--or at least sharp teeth like a rat--could break free of that string holding him and give me a fucking hand!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-102447.pngNinja Turtles Arcade - April O'Neil...can you repay me like the porn star would?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-102429.pngNinja Turtles Arcade Baxter Stockman...help me? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-100048.pngNinja Turtles Arcade - Snow LevelWhat practical application could this vehicle have? Even assuming NYC didn't purchase this with tax dollars, someone had to have built it and then marketed it to super villains. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-094904.pngNinja Turtles Arcade - Pizza HutPizza Hut bought advertising space in video games long before Barack Obama made it cool.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-093932.pngNinja Turtles Arcade Shredder AprilI have to run! I could never hope to defeat a lone ninja turtle severely weakened by a fight with Rocksteady! I'll have to wait until later!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-092014.pngNinja Turtles Arcade - Jump KickRaph needs to double-check his sights before his next jump.2016-07-19T19:40:52+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/07/18/disgaea-hourafternoon-of-darkness-ps2-psp-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/in-the-money.jpgIn The MoneyOkay...so maybe it was a *little* worth it for the backstage costume changes.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/dis5.jpgGH_PS2CoverSheet10_06https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/dis4.jpgDis4When you need a full gross of characters to pick from. Because that one point of difference in attack will make or break the game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/dis3.jpgDis3I know my candidates have to have at least level 500 before I'll vote for them. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/dis2.jpgDis2...I tried. I can't come up with anything to say about this that's funnier than anything anyone said about George Bush's snack food assassination attempt.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/dis1.jpgDis1NIS is so good at cramming things into small spaces, they're permanently banned from Old Country Buffet2016-07-18T17:13:38+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/10/31/silent-hill-ps1/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/sh-what-is-it.jpgSH What is itIt's a Western deity worshipped by over 2 billion people.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/sh-sloths.jpgSH - SlothsHarry faces down one of the seven deadly sins.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/sh-corpse.jpgSH CorpseOh! Thank god it's not a kid. Otherwise this might have been tragic and gruesome.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/sh-boomstick.jpgSH BoomstickWhere's a boomstick when you need one?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/no-dog.jpgNo DogBut Sheryl could be in there. Or Carl. Jason? Janet? Brad? Janet? Dr. Scott? Rocky?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/midvale.jpgMidvaleHarry Mason, ca. 19822016-07-14T16:42:05+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/07/04/chrono-cross-playstation/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/leah.jpgLeahNot-Ayla joins your party!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/harle.jpgHarleWell someone at Square is a Batman fan...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/gfs_50218_2_297.jpggfs_50218_2_297More characters than you can shake a gate-key at. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/gfs_50218_1_1.jpggfs_50218_1_1https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/dragon.jpgDragonYou'll need people with intelligence when taking on this dragon. Fish. Thing.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/chronocross2.jpgchronocross2Serge fights Not-Nus alongside Not-Schala and Not-Frog2016-07-11T17:54:30+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/10/24/castlevania-ii-simons-quest-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/retroarch-0731-164721.pngRetroArch-0731-164721https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/retroarch-0731-151740.pngRetroArch-0731-151740Long overdue for retirement, Death practices his golf swing.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/retroarch-0731-142326.pngRetroArch-0731-142326You know, I always hoped those two would get together. Now that Simon has craptivated the vrampire's heart, they might move on to krissing, or even something more serious, like frucking. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/retroarch-0731-140723.pngRetroArch-0731-140723One hand on the railing, feet firmly on each step, no sliding down the banister and you can slay those monsters *after* you're on solid ground!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/retroarch-0731-131723.pngRetroArch-0731-131723The goal of each dungeon, naturally, being to locate the unguarded magic bowling ball and poke it with a stick you bought from the RE4 merchant.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/retroarch-0731-124550.pngRetroArch-0731-124550And, lo, Jesus said unto his disciples, take care of the poor, but let them not into the house of the Lord during the zombie apocalypse, for yea, we have a good thing here and outsiders may forsake us.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/2016-07-09-08-11-48.jpg2016-07-09 08.11.48"There! That's how you put a dead body together!" [Victor Frankenstein shakes his head slowly.]2016-07-09T21:14:56+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/10/17/haunting-ground-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/smeagol.jpgSmeagolSmeagol, after discovering that Pizza Hut not only delivers, but tastes better than raw fish.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/rest-of-the-herd.jpgRest of the HerdGary Larson cartoons are not easy to come by online.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/hauntingground_na_ps2cover.jpgHauntingGround_NA_PS2coverhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/debilitas.jpgDebilitasDog leaps in to save Fiona, who stands there like a confused cheerleader. Meanwhile, Dog comes down with a case of athlete's tongue. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/daniella.jpgDaniellaThe maid, Daniella, tries to kill Fiona. Hewie Lewis tries to save her with the Power of Love.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/cheap-death.jpgCheap DeathOh yeah! I forgot to mention...sometimes the castle just kills you without warning. Save often.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/breasts.jpgBreastsNormally when someone's scared, they only lift their eyebrows.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/breast2.jpgBreast2Breast physics courtesy of CG Animators who have never actually seen a naked girl before.2016-11-01T15:16:09+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/11/14/good-omens-neil-gaiman-and-terry-pratchett/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/694305-_sy540_.jpg694305._SY540_https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/goodomens-690x262-1460844379.pnggoodomens-690x262-14608443792016-07-04T17:15:26+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/11/07/parasite-eve-the-third-birthday-psp/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/shower.jpgShowerExcuse me...just have to wash up a bit.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/parasite_eve_the_3rd_birthday_trailer_y_fecha_de_comercializacion.jpgparasite_eve_the_3rd_birthday_trailer_y_fecha_de_comercializacionOkay, the gamer girl slobbering on an xBox controller wasn't hot to begin with. Who signed off on Aya frenching the barrel of a gun?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/dna.jpegdnaOh yeah. There's this thing, too. They don't really explain it and it doesn't help much.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/bride.jpgBrideNone of that "wiggle your big toe" coma shit! I'm getting my revenge now!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/3rd_birthday_gameplay.jpg3rd_Birthday_gameplayYou spend the entire game exterminating giant cockroaches.2016-11-07T21:49:08+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/10/10/michigan-report-from-hell-ps2-europe/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/softball.jpgSoftballThis is either erotic, or a dolphin who swallowed two softballs and then died.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/loved.pngLovedI loved you, but if you can't prioritize me over that big gaping hole in your abdomen, I don't think this relationship is going to work.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/hell.jpgHELLhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/escape.jpgEscapeHe'll never think to look for us on the other side of that line!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/erotic.jpgEroticRendered by someone who clearly has never had sex with a woman before. Aren't you turned on by women who store cherry popsicles between their legs?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/brisco.jpgBriscoThe sound guy turning into Gene Simmons would have been very exciting...if I had actually seen it while playing the game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/action.jpgActionNow let's re-hash this several times before you bleed to death.2016-06-27T18:23:29+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/09/26/south-park-the-stick-of-truth-ps3-ps4-xbox-360-xbox-one/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/summons.jpgSummonshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/kupa-keep.jpgKupa Keephttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/homeless.jpgHomelessBeat up the homeless so they leave town. If South Park doesn't have homeless people, they'll look more compassionate.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/fart.jpgFartYup. This is happening. And it's a GOOD game, remember.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/class.jpgClasshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/cartman.jpgCartmanThe Grand Wizard of the KKK, using fire to smite his foes.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/butters.jpgButters2016-10-27T11:45:59+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/09/19/the-princess-bride-william-goldman/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/princess.jpgPrincess2016-06-21T20:04:02+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/09/12/lego-indiana-jones-ps2-ps3-wii-xbox-360-nds-psp-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/indy3.jpgIndy3https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/indy2.jpgIndy2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/indy1.jpgIndy12016-06-21T20:00:49+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/09/05/epic-mickey-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/goldfinger.jpggoldfingerPoor Goldfinger...he just wanted to be friends with her.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/epic-mickey-4.jpgEpic Mickey 4Now you don't have to walk under such a bland scenery element. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/epic-mickey-3.jpgEpic Mickey 3Mickey pulling what I call "Judge Doom's Dip" on a monster that just wanted to be his friend.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/epic-mickey-2-5.jpgEpic Mickey 2.5A home for forgotten characters, unless Disney really wants to use one that people remember. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/epic-mickey2.jpgEpic Mickey2A gremlin serves as Mickey's Navi. Gremlins spend the bulk of the game repairing busted machinery, which either indicates the Wasteland is so damaged that they can only repair things, or that Disney has no idea of what a gremlin does.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/epic-mickey1.jpgEpic Mickey1https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/beast.jpgBeastThe Beast's orgasm face.2016-06-08T13:26:09+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/08/22/brandish-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0729-130619.pngRetroArch-0729-130619Uhh...do you really have to look at me that way when you say that? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0730-053208.pngRetroArch-0730-053208In the same way that getting shot develops an ability to withstand bullets.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0730-032724.pngRetroArch-0730-032724"How is the game?" "Lobsterrific!"https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0730-011809.pngRetroArch-0730-011809Fuckin' sphinxes. They're like rats, infesting the labyrinth and leaving their "riddles" all over the place for you to step in.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0729-201313.pngRetroArch-0729-201313https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0729-130001.pngRetroArch-0729-130001...I don't know. It might be worth it to let her catch me.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/retroarch-0729-125835.pngRetroArch-0729-125835What do you mean there's no ethnic diversity in fantasy? That dragon clearly has a Cthulu somewhere in his family tree. 2016-05-26T17:23:07+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/08/15/the-big-rewind-libby-cudmore/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/steely-dan.jpgSteely DanAfter a passionate night with Steely Dan, Libby experiences a moment of regret, realizing she only did this to hurt Billy Joel. And then she really enjoyed the fact that she hurt Billy Joel.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/libby-cudmore.jpgLibby CudmoreThe woman herself is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma, then dipped in chocolate and wrapped in a brightly decorated tinfoil wrapper and put on display on the impulse rack at your local grocery store. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/big-rewind.jpgBig Rewind2016-05-26T17:05:18+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/08/08/the-monkey-king-the-legend-begins-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/monk4.pngMonk4...And a boss fight. There. You've seen pretty much everything.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/monk3.jpgMonk3Tilt, and the whole world tilts with you.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/monk2.jpgMonk2...versus the alternate art, which is accurate, but more visually assaulting than Where's Waldo hyped up on Red Bull.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/monk1.jpgMonk1The publisher's choice of box art, traditionally styled depiction, yet dull and unrepresentative of gameplay...2016-05-16T17:00:34+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/08/01/dragon-blade-wrath-of-fire-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/dragon_blade_-_wrath_of_fire_coverart.pngDragon_Blade_-_Wrath_of_Fire_Coverarthttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/dragon_blade_wrath_of_fire_004.jpgdragon_blade_wrath_of_fire_004I love this game this much!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/dragonblade3.jpgDragonblade3Despite not being an actual blade, they at least went so far as to make it dragon-like.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/dragonblade2.jpgDragonblade2Props for interesting dragon design. Then immediate revocation of said props because I never got far enough to see more than one.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/dragonblade1.jpgDragonblade1She got as far as "fiancee" before I started measuring her for a coffin.2016-05-16T15:42:18+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/10/03/luigis-mansion-game-cube/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/luigi6.jpgLuigi6https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/luigi5.jpgLuigi5"Jesus fuckin-a-christ! I sure-a hope I don't get-a my face devoured by-a those skinless-a hell hounds!"https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/luigi4.jpegLuigi4The Flowers are Still Standing!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/luigi3.jpgLuigi3Am I interrupting something?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/luigi2.jpgLuigi2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/luigi1.jpgLuigi1...he slimed me.2016-05-13T16:06:53+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/07/25/dragonlance-war-of-souls/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/vanished-moon.jpgVanished Moonhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/lost-star.jpgLost Starhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/fallen-sun.jpgFallen Sun2016-05-13T14:54:21+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/06/20/hyperdimension-neptunia-ps3/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/poseidon_neptune_greek_god_art_03.jpgPoseidon_Neptune_Greek_God_Art_03Known affectionately by her friends as Nep-nep, Neptune travels the world on wacky adventures, experiencing zany antics with her best friends, Compa and Iffy.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/neptunia-transform.jpgNeptunia TransformIn the name of the moon, I'll punish you...for churning out thinly-veiled intellectual property theft disguised as bad fanfiction.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/nepnep.pngNepnepNeptune wakes up next to a note. Never a good sign.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/mygreatcapturescreenshot2014-06-2612-25-50_zpsad9ab458.pngMyGreatCaptureScreenShot2014-06-2612-25-50_zpsad9ab458Is that a metaphor for this game?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/dungeon.pngDungeonMmmm...gameplay.2016-03-27T16:37:09+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/06/06/cross-edge-ps3/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/cross-edge2.jpgCross Edge2Compelling dialogue revealing information that is not at all superficial or irrelevant to the story!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/cross-edge-4.jpgCross Edge 4The visual assault of the interface is the only combat you're likely to see.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/cross-edge3.jpgCross Edge3Set your own formation in a crapshoot of targeting options!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/cross-edge.jpgCross EdgeThe only exciting thing about this game is the artwork on the box.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/cross-edge5.jpgcROSS eDGE5The RPG equivalent of the "Can you hear me now?" commercial.2016-02-29T21:25:59+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/05/16/final-fantasy-tactics-war-of-the-lions-ps1-psp/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/tactisc3.jpgTactisc3The church is the only character more likely to have "done it" than the butler.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/tactics4.jpgTactics4Davos? I think George Martin was a Final Fantasy Fanboy.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/tactis1.jpgTactis1Fools! Step a few meters to the side and then attack!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/tactics5.jpgTactics5God kept you distracted while I stole the princess! He also drives the getaway chocobo and is the patsy taking the fall for the caper.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/tactics2.jpgTactics2What better role for a leading man than a secret character cameo?2016-02-29T21:11:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/05/30/stardust-neil-gaiman-illustrations-by-charles-vess/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/martin-playboy.jpgMartin PlayboyJust ho' ho' ho'-ing. Sit on Santa's lap and tell him what kind of package you want him to give you.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/stardust.jpgstardust2016-05-30T05:34:01+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/05/09/splinter-of-the-minds-eye-star-wars-alan-dean-foster/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/splinter_of_the_minds_eye.jpgSplinter_of_the_Minds_Eye2016-01-30T07:13:44+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/04/18/the-911-report-the-graphic-adaptation-sid-jacobson/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/911.jpg9112016-01-24T18:22:16+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/05/02/super-mario-sunshine-game-cube/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/marios.jpgMariosIf a shot of penicillin won't relieve the burning, I suggest fumigation. And stay away from fire flowers in the future.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/ms4.pngMS4...Hermes? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/ms2.jpgMS2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/ms4.jpgMS4Sure, they look cute, but try smuggling a box of them into a movie theater.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/ms3.jpegMS3Will someone explain to me how spraying a squid with water is supposed to hurt it?2016-01-23T16:46:26+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/02/29/sabriel-garth-nix/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/sabriel.jpegSabriel2016-01-22T22:59:32+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/04/11/new-super-mario-bros-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/back-of-box.jpgBack of BoxSometimes I get tired of posting the box cover art. Here's the back cover. Maybe it'll tell you more than the backs of PS3 games.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/jelly-mushroom.jpgJelly MushroomThe Mushrooms are tired of Mario walking all over them. Today, they fight for their independence.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/map.jpgMapEight worlds, but you only have to play through six. Good thing they made a Mario game for people who hate Mario games!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/bowser.jpgBowserAfter fighting the same boss eight times in the original, NSMB trusts you enough to think you only need one more go at it.2016-01-10T16:33:51+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/12/28/dr-mario-nes-game-boy-game-boy-advance-arcade-snes-with-tetris/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/fdscreenshot.jpgDr Mario Side EffectsDespite a relatively minor infection, the patient suffers more from the side-effects of the treatment. How best to minimize these problems? Use more of the same drugs!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/fdrtitle.jpgFdrtitlehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/fdrmariosnes.pngDr Mario SNESComing soon to an iPhone near you...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/fail.pngDr Mario FailPushed by Big Pharma to prescribe yellow drugs for a patient not even inflicted by yellow, Mario now faces a major malpractice lawsuit from the family of the survivor.2016-01-04T21:05:08+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/04/04/mickey-mania-snes-sega-genesis-sega-cd/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0611-180244.pngRetroArch-0611-180244...I don't think Disney has ever done anything as disturbing as this.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0611-180522.pngRetroArch-0611-180522Mickey Konghttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0611-173551.pngRetroArch-0611-173551Rather than walking on the ground, you can walk on a barrel. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0611-172717.pngRetroArch-0611-172717Mickey Mania is described in the DSMV as the compulsive need to encourage Disney to make crap by handing them your money. Or in George Lucas' case, Star Wars.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0611-182012.pngRetroArch-0611-182012Congratulations on giving us money for this game you finished in an hour! Now give us more money!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0611-174350.pngRetroArch-0611-174350...This is so disturbing, even Mickey's life meter is trying to hitch a ride out of town.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0611-173927.pngRetroArch-0611-173927Why does this look obscene?2015-12-30T17:44:35+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/03/21/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-turtles-in-time-arcade-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/retroarch-0611-163038.pngRetroArch-0611-163038The tactical advantage of being air-lifted in a meter off the ground by a pterodacty ready to die of exhaustion is somewhat underappreciated in the shadow of using medieval weaponry while you have access to the entire history of weaponry.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/retroarch-0611-165545.pngRetroArch-0611-165545Why do I feel like something obscene is going on here? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/retroarch-0611-170800.pngRetroArch-0611-170800Shredder's script here reads, "Prance with lightsaber."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/retroarch-0611-162908.pngRetroArch-0611-162908...am I interrupting something?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/retroarch-0611-163556.pngRetroArch-0611-163556Exploding mud. Taking a page from Goldeneye's playbook here. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/retroarch-0611-161458.pngRetroArch-0611-161458Okay, I KNOW something obscene is happening here. 2015-12-30T17:18:49+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/03/07/galaga-arcade/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/galagb.jpegGalagbYep...and here's a space bug with a tractor beam. Not a lot of variety in Galaga screenshots.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/galagc.gifGalagCSpace bugs apparently need wings to fly through a vacuum.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/galaga.jpgGalagaTwice the ships! Twice the firepower! Twice the target for the space bugs!2015-12-30T16:58:40+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/02/22/castlevania-lords-of-shadow-2-ps3-xbox-360-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/castlevania-lords-of-shadow-2-realgamernewz-9.jpgCastlevania-Lords-of-Shadow-2-RealGamerNewz-9Gabriel Belmont, meet your descendant, Ezio Belmont.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/2415904-clos2_screen_08.jpg2415904-clos2_screen_08Shortly after this, his father Darth Belmont comes to his aid. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/alucard.jpegAlucardAlucard, who reversed his father's name in order to oppose all that Dracula does, turns out to be more helpful than a boy scout.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/castlevania_lords_of_shadow_2_prohozhdenie-1397378516.jpgcastlevania_lords_of_shadow_2_prohozhdenie-1397378516Play that funky music, Goat boy!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/how-will-the-game-end-620x.jpgHow-will-the-game-end-620xTrevor and Alucard claim to be the same person, but I distinctly remember seeing them both in the same room together in Castlevania III.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/toymaker_610.jpgTOYMAKER_610Quack, quack, quack!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/church_lady_could_it_be_satan-1.jpgchurch_lady_could_it_be_satan-1If you're old enough to get this reference, gently rap your cane against your walker.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/projectile.jpgProjectileIt looks bad, but he actually just won the pie-eating contest from "Stand By Me."2015-12-11T18:41:04+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/02/08/heroes-of-mana-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/heroes_of_mana.jpgHeroes_of_Manahttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/heroes-5.jpgHeroes 5This RTS game gives you multiple ways to strategically send all of the same type of monster at your enemies.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/heroes-4.jpgHeroes 4Precision tuned to let you follow all the action with only moderate permanent damage to your visual accuity.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/heroes-2.jpgHeroes 2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/heroes-3.jpegHeroes 32015-12-10T21:46:04+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/01/25/chrono-trigger-crimson-echoes-snes-rom-hack/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0729-020645.pngRetroArch-0729-020645L'chaim!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0729-074940.pngRetroArch-0729-074940They were going to go with "Time Lord," but the phone booth ruined the epic showdown feel.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0728-064748.pngRetroArch-0728-064748Travel twelve hours through time! Explore the mysterious "night."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0728-025243.pngRetroArch-0728-025243Yet somehow I still have all of the other me's memories and skills.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0728-021947.pngRetroArch-0728-021947https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0728-064231.pngRetroArch-0728-064231Forthwith anon! Thou shalt besmirch thy honor if we henceforth discover...uh...something cool. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0729-072445.pngRetroArch-0729-072445Apparently the guy designing backgrounds was sick that day.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/retroarch-0728-013808.pngRetroArch-0728-013808And saying this in no way alleviates any legal ramifications you may have faced.2015-12-10T21:29:19+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/11/30/lego-star-wars-gba-nds-ps2-game-cube-xbox-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/lsw7.jpgLego Star Wars Anakin Pod RaceSpecial Ed...momma dropped him on his head...now he's not so bright, instead...he stars in the Phantom Menace.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/lsw6.jpgLego Star Wars Pod RaceNope. I checked. Still no one wants cares about the pod race.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/lsw5.jpgLego Star Wars Ninja YodaA 900-year-old arthritic ninja muppet and an 8-foot tall Wookiee, pissed off that he missed Life Day. I think we have either the makings of a buddy road comedy or an action cop drama here. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/lsw4.jpgLego Star Wars ForceUh, Obi-Wan...maybe not use the Force on me for a while. That light looks like it might cause cancer. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/lsw3.jpgLego Star Wars NegotiationsFeaturing the stars of Lego Schindler's List and Lego Moulin Rouge. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/lsw2.jpgLego Star Wars Unlock CharactersUnlocking Characters: For when you want to have virtually no effect on anything whatsoever.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/lsw1.jpgLego Star Wars Dexter Darth MaulI want a good clean fight. No severing arms. No blasters. No Force grabs below the belt. Oh, and your droids. They'll have to wait outside.2015-11-30T14:02:22+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/01/11/pixels-2015-film/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/qbert.jpgqbert Adam Sandler PixelsOne of them built a career on a notoriously foul mouth, and the other on Happy Gilmore. I hear they do a great duet of "Ode to my Car." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/pixels_social-0.jpgAdam Sandler PixelsSee, boys and girls? If you practice writing and get real good at it, you too can create parts for yourself that require making out with the most attractive people on the planet. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/maxresdefault.jpgPeter Dinklege PixelsA Lannister busy paying his debts. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/dk.jpgDonkey Kong PixelsMr. Sandler, this is Mr. Kong, and I believe he's not happy about spending $13 on Spanglish. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/635727747016657752-centipede-pixels-mov-dcb-74464584.jpgPixels CentipedeAnd before you harp on me about praising the film's details...yes I know they're supposed to use magic wands against the centipede.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/2848307-pixels_movie4.jpgPixels Pac Man Cars2015-11-15T19:50:35+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/11/09/ultimate-nes-remix-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/nes-remix-1-jpg.pngNES Remix - 1-up glitchExploit the glitch! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/nes_remix_2_9_605x.jpgNES Remix - Princess PeachUh...I don't think Sarkesian really had this in mind.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/nes7.jpgNES Remix 3ds - big bowserFind yourself bored with the mundane challenge of running underneath a turtle with osteoporosis? Try running under a BIGGER turtle with osteoporosis!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/nes5.pngNES5https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/nes4.pngNES Remix 3DSFace insurmountable odds! Fight low-level bosses during the end game with full health!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/nes3.pngNES3 DK Jr - FruitFirst, you sign them up for the Fruit of the Month Club, then when their intake of dietary fiber reaches epic proportions, you catch them by surprise in the bathroom and hit them with a hammer!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/nes2.pngNES2Oh no! How will I ever find the three coins with thirty seconds and only the silhouette of a few bricks?2015-11-09T15:29:57+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2016/01/04/lego-jurassic-world-3ds-ps3-ps4-xbox-360-xbox-one-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/lego-jurassic-world.jpgLEGO-JURASSIC-WORLDhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/lego-jurassic-world_04.jpgLEGO® Jurassic World™_20150402193824I want a good clean fight. No bites below the...uh...belt? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/large.jpgWayne KnightHello, Newman! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/images.jpegT-Rex Grant Lego...whassaaaa!!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/hqdefault.jpgTyrannosaur Lego Jurassic WorldGoin' down to Nublar, gonna eat a lot of people.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/2829953-trailer_legojurassicworld_gameplay_20150316.jpglego clever girlClever meme...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/3ds_legojurassicworld_04_mediaplayer_large.jpg3ds lego lost world jurassic parkMust drive faster...must escape terrible addition to poorly adapted Michael Crichton novel...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/3ds_legojurassicworld_02_mediaplayer_large.jpgLego Jurassic World Shit DivingA needlessly huge cast of characters in which more than one person will routinely dive up to their ankles in shit deeper than Spielberg's first plan for Jurassic Park 4!2015-11-05T16:34:01+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/10/21/back-to-the-future-games/2015-10-22T19:40:52+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/10/21/back-to-the-future-games-nes-snes-sega-master-system-sega-megadrivegenesis-ps3/2015-10-19T18:58:13+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/12/21/parasite-eve-ps1/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/perat.jpgParasite Eve RatImpressive cut scene, but don't think we didn't notice your RPG hero leveling up at the beginning of the game by fighting rats underground. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/peaya1.jpghttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/pe4.pngParasite Eve Maeda CopsMaeda finds one of many NYC cops who has attempted to culture himself by studying world languages.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/pe3.jpgParasite Eve Man DateGenerally I don't like it when pretty girls--even fictional ones--have boyfriends. But if the game doesn't feel he merits a name, I somehow don't mind him that much.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/pe2.jpgParasite Eve CombustionI should have a word with the fire marshal. Those curtains are supposed to be flame retardant. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/pe1.jpgParasite Eve TransformUhh...I really don't know what I should be looking at.2015-10-09T12:30:42+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/12/14/mega-man-the-wily-wars-sega-genesis/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/snakes.pngWily Wars SnakesYeah...I don't care how much danger threatens the earth. I don't want to set one foot in a part of the jungle made out of snakes.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/penguin.pngMega Man PenguinTrue story, the filename for this picture is Penguin.pnghttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/monkey.pngMega Man - Monkey KingAfter defeating Son Wukong, Mega Man must take his place protecting Tripitaka so that they may travel to India to receive the eight energy crystals to rescue China from Dr. Wily. I think it goes something like that. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/met.pngMega Man Hard Hat MetThey did a wonderful job of updating the backgrounds and keeping everything else the same.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/mech-dragon.pngMech Dragon - Mega ManMega Man taking inspiration fPython and the Holy Grail. Ten to one odds he doesn't make it to that next block.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/lizard-spock.pngMega Man Rock Paper Scissors Lizard SpockRealizing the limitations of the original game, Mega Man pioneered the idea of Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spockhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/fish.pngFIsh Mega Man Wily Warshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/ape-scare.pngMega Man Wood Man Ape"I totally scared you, didn't I?" "Fuck off." 2015-09-09T17:57:37+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/12/07/conkers-bad-fur-day-n64/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-09-03-201028.pngConker Zombie Squirrelhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-08-30-2032111.pngConker Mighty Poo'nuff said.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-09-05-164107.pngConker Berri MatrixBerri clearly exhibits inappropriate behavior for a kidnapped princess.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-09-05-163355.pngConker Neohttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-09-04-203048.pngConker Saving Private RodentAnd so we say goodbye to good old unforgettable what's-his-name, who we have known for an entirety of this half of the war level.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-09-03-203719.pngConker Dracula Children of the NightWhat a mess they make.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-08-30-203211.pngScreenshot from 2015-08-30 20:32:11https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-08-30-194524.pngConker Pee fire demonsI can't think of any way to describe this that won't sound like a euphemism. I'll just say it. It feels like trying to hang on to a weasel.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-08-28-214656.pngConker Sunflower Pollenate...nope. Not human enough. Just creepy.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/screenshot-from-2015-08-28-200920.pngConker's Bad Fur DayThe true impetus for getting Conker out the door. However, much like psycho, the money only acts as a macguffin.2015-09-07T22:29:42+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/10/19/1420/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/future-continued.jpgfuture-continued2015-09-07T00:01:28+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/10/12/ju-on-haunted-house-simulator-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/juon5.jpgJuon5Oh yeah, I'll tell you something I think you'll understand...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/juon4.jpgJuon4Sacks of bloody garbage bags outside this creepy abandoned apartment? Seems like an invitation to go inside instead of leaving the package on the door step like a normal UPS guy!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/juon3.jpgJuon3 - HairBecause nothing horrifies me more than a comically large hair clog in a bathroom drain.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/juon2.jpgJuon2...Seems legit. Nothing bad ever happens to anyone who crawls into a jagged hole in a fence in the middle of the night when surrounded by blood. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/juon1.jpgJuon1I understand that some people find children creepy...but did he have to drop his pants? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/juon.jpgJuon2015-09-06T23:58:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/11/23/jade-empire-xbox/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/je6.jpgJade Empire - Kang the MadDear Cosplayers, your move. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/je5.jpgJade Empire DialogueYeah, that sucks, but I just need to find the bathroom. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/je4.jpgJE4https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/je3.jpgJade EmpireMostly Chinese, except when Japanese culture works better. Then who cares? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/je2.jpgJE2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/je1.jpgJade Empire StereotypesOnce again, an all-white design team manages to capture the essence of cliched depictions of Asia.2015-08-28T20:03:54+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/11/16/act-raiser-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0726-132707.pngAct Raiser CastlevaniaCreepy castles, Medusa heads, vampires that turn into gargoyles, and fights with death...I thought I reviewed Castlevania last month.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0726-132647.pngAct Raiser Crystal SkullWhat really happened to the kingdom of the crystal skull. Now if Indy could have only left them dead...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0726-095716.pngAct Raiser Mobile HomeThe master utilizes the ultimate in mobile home technology, but all the other gods still look down on him as trashy.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0726-093249.pngRetroArch-0726-093249https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0726-091058.pngAct Raiser Bush HomesEven in fantasy worlds, a Bush ruins the housing market.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0726-090244.pngAct Raiser - ent tree"You know who I really miss? That tree guy."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/godfellas2.jpgGodfellas Futurama Act RaiserThey call me Fillmore. It means, "He who really loves the metal lord." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/godfellas1.jpegGodfellas Futurama Act Raiser 2I was doing well until everyone died.2015-08-28T19:42:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/10/05/castlevania-dawn-of-sorrow-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/seal.pngDawn of Sorrow Magic SealConnect the dots. La, la, la-la!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/monster.jpgMonsterhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/map.jpgMap Castlevania Dawn of SorrowIf you get lost, just look closely at the map for the one span not fully enclosed by the white border. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/cursed-clock-tower.jpgCursed Clock Tower Dawn of SorrowRight next to the Evil Petting Zoo.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/castlevania.jpgCastlevaniahttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/boss.jpgBoss Dawn of SorrowWhen zombie T-rex starts crawling out of his skin, even Chris Pratt runs away.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/alucardscreen.gifalucardscreen2015-08-25T15:12:20+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/10/31/parasite-eve-2-playstation/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-smooth.pngParasite Eve 2 Bad DialogueSmooth. On the upside, I no longer feel as bad for some of my failed attempts at talking to girls in high school.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-run-away-from-target-joke.pngParasite Eve 2 - Monkey BossI try to get away, but something irresistible just keeps drawing me back. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-note-gamersgaters-would-like-to-see-less-of-this.pngParasite Eve 2 - Aya Brea in BedNote: Gamersgate supporters would like to see less of this. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-nameless-villain-joke.pngParasite Eve 2 Antagonist Army GuyLadies and Gentelmen, your villain. Code Name: Love Potionhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-mitochondria-can-apparently-write-flamethrowers-into-your-dna.pngParasite Eve Elephant Flame ThrowerApparently, Mitochondria can write flame throwers into your DNA.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-full-frontal-must-not-translate-well-from-japanese.pngParasite Eve Shower Aya Brea"Full Frontal" must not translate well from Japanese.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-egypt-puzzle.pngParasite Eve 2 Egyptian Tile PuzzleI couldn't find a clear solution anywhere online. Use this screensshot! This screenshot will help you finish this puzzle!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-do-you-want-to-be-a-snowman.pngParasite Eve 2 Do You Want to Be a SnowmanThen I could do what all snowmen do in summer.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/pe-are-you-my-mummy.pngParasite Eve II Are You My MummyAre you my mummy? 2015-08-17T20:11:01+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/08/03/resonance-of-fate-ps3-xbox-360/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/resonance-of-fate-map.jpgResonance of Fate MapRoll for initiative. Pass Go to collect $200, then proceede to the conservatory to make your accusation.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/walkthrough_013a.jpgResonance of Fate ChristmasBecause who wouldn't want to dress like a second-rate high school football mascot and chuck toys at kids' heads? This game manages to take the color out of Christmas.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/resonanceoffategun_zps80d63ee2.jpgresonance of fate gun customizeIf the barrel of the gun makes the bullet go faster, then twelve barrels ought to make it go warp speed! And with all those scopes, you can't miss! Do a barrel roll!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/resonance_of_fate_combat.jpgResonance of Fate combatAs you can see, this scene contains two and a half colors and zero geographical features. The rest of the game doesn't have any more color, but it has twice as many features. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/resonance_of_fate_characters.jpg10_calendar_1280_1024https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/maxresdefault.jpgResonance of Fate LeanneYou can do her hair, undress her everywhe-ere! Yes, Resonance of Fate claims its Barbie Doll simulator as its most entertaining feature.2015-08-04T03:39:08+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/09/21/final-fantasy-vi-snes-gba-playstation-androidios/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0726-015529.pngFinal Fantasy VI Kaiser DragonThis...might take a little more strategy than "Stick him with the pointy end." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0725-141102.pngFinal Fantasy Kefka Insane ClownThe original Insane Clown Possehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0725-135634.pngFinal Fantasy VI Shadow DaughterSo I know we have to fight an epic battle to save all of existence in about three minutes, but this seems like the best time to tell Relm I'm her father. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0725-135107.pngFinal Fantasy Goddess UncensoredLook away children! The Goddess statue will steal your soul way if you see her without those extra blue pixels covering her legs!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0725-060041.pngFinal Fantasy Dream StoogesAlso, nostalgic lenses can successfully make the Three Stooges funny.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0725-051835.pngFinal Fantasy VI - CactuarAnd just for fun, let's add in some cactus juice. Only mildly hallucinogenic!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch-0724-234718.pngFinal Fantasy VI - Scale Airship1/1200 of nothing! Give me the next two minutes of my life back!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/retroarch.pngFinal Fantasy Celes - Short for an imperial trooperJust slowly replace the entire script with Star Wars references, and pretty soon you'll have a game as popular as Star Wars.2015-10-09T12:22:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/09/14/joust-arcade-atari-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/joust-box-scan-front.jpgJoust Box Scan (Front)https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/joustarcadegame.pngJoustarcadegameAnd here you see me jousting, but with lava pits. Congratulations. You've seen the whole game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/joust.pngJoust buzzardsHere you see me jousting...2015-07-20T16:32:24+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/09/07/paperboy-arcade-nes-sega-master-system-game-boy-game-boy-color-dos-etc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/retroarch-1111-011748.pngPaperboy deathYea, though I bike through the suburbs of death...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/retroarch-1111-011310.pngPaperboy Cancelled SubscribersAll right! Just a few more customers to piss off and I won't have to lift a finger anymore!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/retroarch-1111-011246.pngPaperboy training courseAccurately simulating all the targets, ramps, moving jumps, and mechanical spikes you'll encounter in your chosen profession as a delivery boy. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/retroarch-1111-010624.pngPaperboy JackhammerJust a guy with his jack hammer out pounding the side walk. Completely innocent.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/retroarch-1111-010529.pngPaperboy NewspaperInclude this under "signs you don't have a large enough news market to sustain a newspaper."2015-07-20T16:23:08+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/09/28/the-legend-of-zelda-majoras-mask-n64-game-cube-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/mm7.pngMajora's Mask TingleOh yeah. This douchebag shows up. Suddenly Navi doesn't seem so bad, does she?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/mm6.jpgMajora's Mask Organ GrinderUp yours kid. You made me wet in the last game. And it took so long to bake that cake, too. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/mm5.pngMajora's Mask DanceLink busts a move to commemorate the only time he will ever use the dance mask.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/mm4.jpgMajora's Mask MoonUh...Goodnight Moon. I'll just close my curtains now...and pass up my usual night lite in favor of a 10-gauge shotgun.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/mm3.jpgMajora's Mask Bunny HoodThe Bunny Hood: Because continuously rolling across Hyrule field didn't actually make you move faster.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/mm2.jpgHappy Mask SalesmanLink, who signed on with the Happy Mask Company in Ocarina of Time, learns that pyramid schemes often shake down their employees for money.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/mm1.jpgMajora's Mask Deku ScrubEver play Ocarina of Time and wish you could play as something cool like a Gerudo or a Sheikah? Well good news, in Majora's Mask, you can fulfill your lifelong dream of playing as a dried out bush!2015-07-14T19:24:34+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/08/10/star-tropics-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-183711.pngStar Tropics - Tiki HeadLegend of the Hidden Temple 2: Olmec's Revenge. I don't remember the temple guards trying to disembowel the Blue Barracudas.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-183220.pngStar Tropics Magic CubeSo...I went through all of this because I wanted to play Q-Bert?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-143752.pngRetroArch-1110-143752https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-141437.pngStar Tropics Whale...somehow I think they felt a little too comfortable with their source material.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-133725.pngStar Tropics ProphetThis doesn't actually foretell your doom. The prophet just played a Simon and Garfunkle album before you walked in.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-131803.pngStar Tropics Legend of ZeldaUnderground labyrinth? Check. Mummies? Check. Stopwatch that freezes monsters? Check. Heart meter? Check. Yup. We've got the Legend of Zelda...with a yo-yo. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-101726.pngRetroArch-1110-101726https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-094541.pngStar Tropics HeartWhat happened then? Well in Whoville they say, Mike's short life meter grew one bigger that day.2015-06-23T21:30:55+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/08/31/sneak-king-xbox-xbox-360/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/sneakking_xbox_15.jpgSneakKing_Xbox_15Hello yon construction worker. Care you to partake in mine portable toilet burger? Sadly, it possesseth not the used-condom bouquet of my trash burgers, but you'll find the accompanying buzzing of flies a synaesthetic delight of flavor! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/sneakking_xbox_08.jpgSneakKing_Xbox_08I imagine the Jaws theme playing here. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/sneakking.jpgSneakKingUhh...I don't know whether I should include a trigger warning in this caption or call the police on my game. Even the commercial campaign looks at this and says, "Dude...a little too far."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/sneak-king-7-screenshot_viewer_medium.jpgsneak-king (7)--screenshot_viewer_mediumThey actually can see him...they just pretend they can't. If you avoid eye contact, you don't have to talk to him. 2015-06-23T21:07:45+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/06/21/jurassic-park-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-231604.pngJurassic Park Ship DinosThis mission assigned by Dr. Flintstone.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-230713.pngJurassic Park SNES RaptorUh, sorry to wake you Miss Raptor, but, uh...I need to kill you.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-221621.pngJurassic Park beakersGiant beakers full of bubbling liquids. Because science.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-205517.pngJurassic Park TriceratopsAll right. This will show up that smug bastard from Duck Hunt. Look at my retriever! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-204027.pngJurassic Park SNES Computer FractalsThe computer interface makes up for its obnoxiousness by offering user settings, like desktop backgrounds. Because what can model chaos better than a Bush? (I think Jeb may have discarded that slogan...)https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-202825.pngJurassic Park SNES TyrannosaurusUh...so...can I assume this means game over? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/retroarch-1110-201918.pngJurassic Park SNES TimYeah. That stuff can make you go blind. Wouldn't it suck if I couldn't see the dinosaurs jumping out of the trees at me?2015-06-22T22:08:29+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/08/24/the-legend-of-zelda-skyward-sword-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/zelda-and-link-skyward-sword.pnglegend of zelda skyward sword loftwingDamn...I feel sorry for that bird in about twenty minutes. I had a lot of girl problems in high school, but thankfully I never had to worry about a sentient car.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/the-legend-of-zelda-skyward-sword-screenshots.jpgskyward sword stalfosOh no! If only someone had designed this game in a way that let me swing my sword sideways! Like every other Zelda game!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/skyward-sword-screenshot-128.jpgZelda Skyward Sword...okay, so I'll admit I find her kind of endearing. But I liked the elegant princess-goddess of wisdom better. At least for the purposes of a Zelda game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/skulltula.jpgskulltula skyward swordThis skulltula requires precise physical manipulation to expose and hit its weak point. Fortunately, the controls work so perfectly it almost feels psychic! No motion sensing problems at all!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/sea-horses.pngsea horses skyward swordApparently Nintendo felt the ambiguously gendered Zoras no longer creeped out players enough. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/large1.jpgGirahim - Skyward SwordI like sword fighting as much as the next guy, but this doesn't quite seem grand enough for a Zelda boss.2015-06-21T15:16:20+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/08/17/red-steel-2-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/train.jpgRed Steel Back to the FutureThankfully, the Delorean made it safely back to 1985.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/ss33.jpgRed Steel - Weapon ShopIneffective Gun Control Method: If you make guns cost over three years' salary, only millionaires like Dick Cheney can murder people. The only thing that stops a millionaire with a gun is a good guy with a gun. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/red-steel-2-wii-6.jpgRed Steel - Block BulletsHold the A button and you can block bullets without all the flashy effort of a Jedi knighthttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/red-steel-2-live-wallpaper-749451-0-s-307x512.jpgRed Steel End Credits ArtJust call me "The Man With No Name--Clint Yojimbo."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/redsteel2_exclusiveubinintendo_jackaltank-772009-580px.jpgRed Steel - Slow EnemiesNote: carrying your sword like a baseball bat only tends to open up your "strike zone." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/large.jpgFlying Ninja - Red SteelIf you want to kill a ninja, you must fight like a ninja.2015-06-18T20:56:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/07/20/heavy-rain-ps3/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/heavy-rain-screenshot.jpgheavy-rain-screenshothttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/heavy-rain-playstation-3-ps3-407.jpgheavy-rain-playstation-3-ps3-407https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/heavy-rain-madison-paige.jpgheavy-rain-madison-paigehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/heavy-rain-ethan.jpgheavy-rain-ethanhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/heavy_rain-1113074.jpgheavy_rain-1113074https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/heavy_rain_52.jpgheavy_rain_52https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/504300-heavy-rain-playstation-3-screenshot-squeezing-the-answers.jpg504300-heavy-rain-playstation-3-screenshot-squeezing-the-answers2015-05-27T20:12:55+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/04/13/top-ten-best-rpgs/2015-04-13T13:04:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/07/06/star-wars-episode-ii-revenge-of-the-sith-ps2-xbox/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/starwars_sith_0.jpgobi wan scrap heap...damn it, Ben. I swear to god, if you say that one more time, I will telepathically call Jar Jar and tell him how much you miss him. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/playstation-32300-21314937206.jpgGeneral Grievous LightsaberDespite my unfeeling metal body and legion of droids with heavy artillery, I will fight you with your weapon of choice, because having only two sith lords reduces the opportunity for lightsaber combat.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/episode3_043005_ps2_org.jpgepisode3_043005_ps2_orghttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/8413187107675176.jpg8413187107675176https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/2zisi7r.jpganakin dooku revenge of the sith ps2Tell me 'friend,' when did Anakin the wise abandon reason for madness? 2015-04-10T18:29:29+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/06/29/007-everything-or-nothing-ps2-game-cube-xbox/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/ss_3_3.jpgJaws Punch Everything or NothingLook....I, uh, hope I wasn't out of line with the crack about the big ape.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/large.jpgJames Bond PunchTake that, old bean! Yes, very good. Indeed.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/jaws.jpgjaws Everything or NothingJaws had some awkward first dates, much like I, myself, did. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/james_bond_everything_or_nothing_game_screen_45.jpgEverything or Nothing CoverHow many games did it take you to figure out how to not stand out in the open, trying to stop bullets with your lungs?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/jamesbevono_jan32.jpgEverything or Nothing - Cliff DiveThis mission employs Bond's talent for plummeting.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/jamesbevono_jan23.jpgWillem Defoe James Bond Everything or NothingCurse you, Spider-man!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/99.jpg99 Get Smart Barbara Feldon99? You don't look a day over 86!2015-04-02T20:21:41+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/06/15/god-of-war-2-ps2-ps3-ps-vita/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/kratos-giant.jpgkratos gianthttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/kraken-screenshot_large.jpgGod of War KrakenFIghting the Kraken in his natural habitat...the sky! Because Greek myth doesn't have flying monsters? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/god-of-war-2-quick-time-event.jpgGod of War 2 - Quick Time EventIf you press square by mistake, Kratos pulls out a banjo and starts singing "Ain't Misbehavin'" And then the minotaur kills him. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/224422_full.jpgGod of War BarbarianDoes this series seem to have an obsessive preoccupation with size? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/0020-03a-610x0.jpgGod of War CollossusBig things count for extra murder! Plenty of murder to go around, boys!2015-03-26T21:10:22+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/06/08/grand-theft-auto-iii-ps2-xbox-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/gta3boxcover.jpgGTA3boxcoverhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/wasted.jpgGrand Theft Auto WastedAnd not even the good kind of wasted. Although both often require medical attention...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/gta3.jpggta3https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/grand-theft-auto-iii-pc-game-10.jpgGrand Theft Auto Taxi OverI know this looks bad...but this still turned out better than a lot of dates I went on in high school.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/chase-car.jpgGrand Theft Auto chasing carNaturally, in a game revolving around car theft, you can never find one when you need it. I spent about 25% of my time running after cars like a dog. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/busted.jpgGrand Theft Auto Mission FailedYep...get used to this. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/26431-grand-theft-auto-iii-windows-screenshot-a-taxi-job-the-blue.jpgGrand Theft Auto taxiCars, in this game, like this one, only slightly improve on the quality of car I can afford to drive in real life. 2015-03-26T20:57:32+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/06/01/the-legend-of-zelda-a-link-between-worlds-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/zelda_a_link_between_worlds_3ds_test_06-pc-games.jpglink between worlds cuccoosFatter cuccoos = even more 3Ds! So many Ds, it will awe even the most rabid of chickens!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/zelda-3ds-screenshots.pngLink Between Worlds MoldormBecause Moldorm. Zelda games seem to have developed an addiction to this guy.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/screen-shot-2013-10-13-at-9-45-40-am.pngLink between worlds hair styleAlso returning to series roots: Link's sideburns. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/lbw_screenshot_ravio.jpgLink Between Worlds RavioBunny man, capitalizing off of end-of-the-world sensationalism.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/gfs_314302_2_1.jpgLink Between Worlds MaskI get it! Because you can walk on the walls and it looks like Link wearing Majora's mask! Clever. No, wait...the other thing. Pointless.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/3ds_zeldalbw_1113_sceen_04.jpgLink Between Worlds 2DNow in two stunning dimensions!2015-03-22T12:15:38+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/05/11/links-crossbow-training-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/links-crossbow-training-hd.jpgLinks-Crossbow-Training-HDWalking. How novel! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/linkcrossbowtraining.jpgLink Crossbow Training auto crossbowLink would make King Edgar proud. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/large.jpgGorons Link's Crossbow TrainingI...uh...the gorons seem to trust...uh...why would they do this? Do gorons even have groins? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/fossil_stallord_battle.pngLink's crossbow training Fossil_Stallord_BattleHe looks nasty, but flash him your big, twinkly eyes and he melts to big, soft putty in your hands. Then you plant a quarrel in his fuckin' face! 2015-03-06T15:36:28+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/05/25/elder-scrolls-iv-oblivion-part-two-pc-ps3-xbox-360/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/screenshot_pc_oblivion_the_shivering_isles009.jpgOblivion Shivering Isles SwampOnce I discovered the Shivering Isles, I stayed there for the next fifteen hours just because it didn't look like the same old caves I'd explored thirty times in Cyrodil. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/screenshot3.jpgOblivion Over the ShoulderYep. Just chillin in third person. Jake does that sometimes. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/oblivion_landscape_6200.jpgOblivion LandscapeYep. Sure looks pretty. Can we try a desert? Or a jungle? Maybe? Something a little new? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/elder-scrolls-iv-oblivion-screenshot-_5.jpgelder scrolls planes of oblivionYou will welcome this sight at first, before you have to finish twenty other stages with the exact same layout and objective.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/the-elder-scrolls-iv-oblivion-shivering-isles-pc-games-126554-5.jpegElder Scrolls Oblivion OrderFuck you, order! I fight for madness and chaos! Like the freaking Joker! Up yours, shiny metal Batman!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/screenshot1304bgh1.jpgElder Scrolls Oblivion ModHellooooo....imagine meeting a mod like you in a place like this. 2015-03-06T15:04:11+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/04/27/elder-scrolls-oblivion-part-1-pc-ps3-xbox-360/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/rpgoblivionscreenshot4.jpgElder Scrolls Oblivion TownYep...I've discovered yet another Medieval-y looking town. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/gfs_66171_2_1.jpgOblivion Uriel Septem Patrick StewartPatrick Stewart as Uriel Septem, also known as "Sir Not Appearing in this Game." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/157254-the-elder-scrolls-iv-oblivion-windows-screenshot-locks-are.jpgElder Scrolls Oblivion Lock Pick"Very Easy" my ass! Subjects of Tamriel must make lock picks out of pretzles if they break after every failed attempt. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/13821-1-1194469136.jpgOblivion MenuSpent a half hour tweaking facial characteristics like a plastic surgeon...end up so disgusted with vampire face that I cover up with a helmet. 2015-03-06T14:48:22+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/03/30/lego-star-wars-ii-the-original-trilogy-ps2-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/lswii_pcfront.jpgLswii_pcfronthttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/lego-star-wars-ii-the-original-trilogy-75t.jpgLego Star Wars Slave LeiaSlave Leia! Nice! Although I didn't expect her to be quite so flat-chested...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/lego-star-wars-ii-the-original-trilogy-1.jpgLego Star Wars C-3PO LightsaberCome on...be honest...you wanted this to happen. We hate this guy just as much as Jar-Jar.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/lego_star_wars_4.jpgLego Star Wars CantinaThis guy put in nearly 35 hours into collecting all that stuff. . . I hope he enjoyed the search.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/187295-lego-star-wars-ii-the-original-trilogy-windows-screenshot.jpgLego Star Wars Darth Vader EmperorThe novel idea that, in retrospect, seems obvious: Darth Vader as a playable character in the fight against Palpatine. Duh.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/27071_618848411067_1215898_n.jpgLego RiskNote how Lego Men make perfect--and geographically customizable--Risk pieces. They already have horses and cannons. Also, notice how maps installed on the floors at UMD make perfect Risk boards.2014-12-26T18:19:44+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/03/23/mash-atari-2600/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-110713.pngMASH Atari OperationExcuse me, but if you have nothing more than a flap of arm pit skin connecting your upper torso to the rest of your body, I think the doctors should probably move on to someone a little less wounded.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-110234.pngMASH - Colonel Potter SkydiversIn mere seconds, the bodies of trained medics will rain from the sky. Some may even impale themselves on those trees. Others, hacked by chopper blades. Too bad none will survive to tend to the wounded.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-105902.pngMASH Atari Mode 1https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/mash_int_cart.jpgMASH - Two PlayersWhen you plan on selling your game with the blurb "Two Whole Players!" ask yourself why you couldn't think of anything more exciting to say.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/mash.jpgMASH Malibu CreekI find it amazing how a country eleven time zones away bears such a striking resemblence to Southern California! We have so much in common!2014-12-14T18:17:38+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/03/09/final-fantasy-legend-saga-ii-game-boy/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-0727221.pngFinal Fantasy Legend TranslationAnd their grammar grades lost by 20. Hopefully they won't receive too many damages.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1102-080741.pngFinal Fantasy Legend Spy Hat"Any distinguishing features?" "Well, he had a hat." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-025034.pngFinal Fantasy Legend Inside Ki's BodyUh, as per California state law, I'll require positive verbal consent before this level.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1103-022319.pngFinal Fantasy Legend Terrorist Nazi1991: Discouraged from invading real countries, the Axis powers reunite to invade fantasy characters' digestive tracts.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1102-180930.pngFinal Fantasy Legend Rhino Meat...can I politely decline to receive the Rhino's meat? That sounds painful.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1102-164707.pngFinal Fantasy Legend MenuAfter days of grinding, I finally have the stats to...what the hell? Five? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1102-080755.pngFinal Fantasy Legend ElixierEach item even more elixier than the last!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/retroarch-1102-062824.pngRetroArch-1102-0628242014-12-03T17:23:53+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/03/02/soul-reaver-2-ps2-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/legacyofkainsoulreaver2-01.jpglegacyofkainsoulreaver2-01https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/11437_full.jpgSoul Reaver 2 PillarsThese things. They matter. Apparently. Also, watch Raziel float like a plastic action figure! No Deku leaf required!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/sr2-swim-underwatercrawl.pngSoul Reaver 2 UnderwaterNo did I just find a door, or the floor. Or the ceiling. Or did I visit the night side of Pluto? And get this--the section I described in the post, even darker than this one!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/sr2-saveobelisk.jpgSoul Reaver 2 Save ObeliskA save point. The game generously gave you two or three of them. Don't start playing unless you definitely have three hours to kill at a time.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/sr2-264.jpgSoul Reaver Elder GodWho lives in a cesspool deep down in the ground? Who turned all the lights off and cannot be found? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/janos-sr2.jpgSoul Reaver 2 - JanosI spent a lot of time looking for this guy. Raziel felt very close to him during the three minutes of screentime he has. This is him wonder why. 2014-11-25T19:42:50+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/02/23/super-mario-world-snes-game-boy-advance/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-060345.pngSuper Mario World Koopa KidsGenius! I would have posed for a lot more family portraits if I didn't actually have to pose with the rest of my family.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-060131.pngSuper Mario World Yoshi HatchingNote the look of shock on the adult Yoshis' faces. I can only assume they expected contained rubber gloves, IRS Forms and a healthy mixture of mud.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-055910.pngSuper Mario World Beat BowserWhat, you mean like the vacation they took to Dinosaur Land that got them into this whole mess?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-055528.pngSuper Mario World Bowser's CastleDisco ball and dancing ninja star reused from Nintendo's failed attempt at putting Mario into a DDR game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-055403.pngSuper Mario World Koopa LavaTry this, if you will...we know Mario will head straight toward the boss room, right? How about you take out the platform entirely and have Larry watch via CCTV from another room?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-054338.pngSuper Mario World High ScoreBy the way, anyone who can surpass my score (without hacking) gets their own shrine set up on this blog. Good luck.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-051734.pngSuper Mario WorldApparently, beating the special zone turns the island into mint chocolate.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-051638.pngSuper Mario World Donut SecretGet used to this screen. You'll spend more time going back and forth to this area than you'll spend playing each level.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1102-051556.pngSuper Mario World Star RoadMario World's walk of fame. Clockwise from the top: Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Bob Hoskins, Fox McCloud, with Zsa Zsa Gabor in the center.2014-11-23T20:04:48+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/02/16/leisure-suit-larry-land-of-the-lounge-lizards-dos/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/screenshot-from-2014-11-16-110336.pngLeisure Suit Larry Quiz TaxesBecause all adults can agree on the appropriate answer to this question, furthermore, without acting like children.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/screenshot-from-2014-11-16-105444.pngLeisure Suit Larry Quiz time zonesWait, let me get my calculator...sorry, I can't find the beer button.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/screenshot-from-2014-11-13-144642.pngLeisure Suit Larry arrestedYou couldn't call a game about the quest for anonymous sex complete without a good, moral lesson about public exposure.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/marriage.pngLeisure Suit Larry marriageAh, the beautiful sanctity of marriage. Such an auspicious and respected tradition.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/larry_pimp.jpgleisure suit larry pimpLosing all control when someone shows you porn seems like a bad quality in a man who sells naked women for a living.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/65767-jpg.png65767.jpgFinally, Larry, you've found some wholesome wife-material. Take this one home to meet mom!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/62979-leisure-suit-larry-in-the-land-of-the-lounge-lizards-atari.pngLeisure Suit Larry Censored fuckWhat the fuck? Literally! Their parts may have the lowest resolution this side of the Atari 2600, but I think I deserve it for having slogged through the unintuitive muck of this game.2014-11-16T18:31:03+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/02/02/final-fantasy-x-2-ps2-ps-vita/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/sexy-rikku.jpgSexy Rikku FF X-2I feel better for having seen this.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/rikku_ffx2_by_madnessgottabody-d7y09ij.jpgrikku_ffx2_by_madnessgottabody-d7y09ijReally? People want to marginalize women who play video games? ...assholes! (ripped off from deviantart)https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/ffxhdrem02_thumb.jpgFF X-2 Yuna ThiefLine up, guys...each girl has her own unique set. Of costumes. A unique set of breasts. Costumes! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/ffx22.jpgFF X-2 Flan BattleFlan battle! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/ffx2_battle2_thumb.jpgFF X-2 HD BattleApparently people love the HD re-release on the PS-Vita. Go figure. Also, send me cash so I can buy one.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/yuna-gun.jpgyuna gunhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/lulu.jpglulu FFF X-2A picture of Lulu...nine months pregnant. Seriously, did you guys even try? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/finalfantasyx2_110703_inline_03.jpgFF X-2 dressphere gridRipped off from IGN, but hey...I can't take screenshots on my PS2, and don't you feel better for having seen this?2014-11-16T02:44:59+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/11/10/age-of-empires-age-of-kings-nds/2014-11-14T16:39:27+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/02/09/legacy-of-kain-soul-reaver-ps1-dreamcast-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-224326.pngRetroArch-1101-224326https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-224256.pngSoul Reaver Legacy of KainHere we see light. Not sure what it means, but it broke up the monotony. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-223543.pngSoul Reaver Spectral MaterialUse this portal to exchange the green filter for a blue one, but blue filters make you too weak to turn a door knob.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-223453.pngSpectral Realm Soul ReaverYep...spectral realm here. Not too much going on. Nice and blue, though.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-220904.pngMalchiah Soul ReaverI need to take vengeance upon this guy? He looks like he should be trying to gasp out the phrase, "Kill me, please!" https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-214300.pngSoul Reaver Sliding BlockAs if sliding blocks didn't insult us enough, they actually managed to make it more infantile by putting it on a track.2014-11-07T04:36:58+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/01/26/mega-man-3-nes-ps2-xbox-and-game-cube-as-mega-man-anniversary-collection/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-181533.pngMega Man 3 Gamma SnakeYep. You totally beat the final boss by dropping snakes into the cockpit with Dr. Wily. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-172842.pngMega Man 3 Doc RobotDoc Robot gets wood. Really, did no one think this through? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-172807.pngMega Man 3 Rush JetMan's best friend when lava pours into bottomless pits.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-170234.pngGiant PenguinAs if the kooky concept of themed villains didn't scream "Batman" enough, Dr. Wily built a giant penguin.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-165355.pngMega Man 3 Snake Man SpermCapcom won an award for the design of Snake Man's stage. Then blew it by making the boss look like a green sperm with legs.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-165105.pngMega Man 3 Snake Man StageThe series employs many rooms shaped like this because you damn well better start from the far left side of the screen!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/retroarch-1101-164044.pngMega Man 3 Proto ManProto Man: Dick to friend and foe alike.2014-11-05T04:39:34+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/01/19/castlevania-lament-of-innocence-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/succubus.jpgsuccubus castlevania lament of innocenceI don't know about violence against women, but I feel the sudden need to abuse myself.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/ps2_castlevania_27.jpgCastlevania Lament of Innocence whip itWhen a bad guy comes along, you must whip it. If his shield is very strong, you must whip it.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/medusa.jpgmedusa castlevania lament of innocenceOnly a Belmont dares to stare down a gorgon. Seriously...eye contact. You can't do it. Don't these people ever read? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/hang-in-there.jpghang in therehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/castlevania-lament-of-innocence-ps2.jpgcastlevania lament of innocence leonHere Leon Belmont laments his boy band hair style. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/castlevania-lament-of-innocence-hunt.jpgcastlevania lament of innocence hunt the night...and they'll probably find it. Every day. Between 4:30 and 10:00 depending on lattitude and time of year.2014-11-02T04:47:14+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/01/12/donkey-kong-burger-time-arcade-atari-2600-etc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-153444.pngDonkey Kong Rivets FireMario: So badass, he beats fire to death.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-152908.pngDonkey Kong Level 1Do you really need a caption for Donkey Kong?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-152803.pngDonkey Kong AtariAs you can see, Atari managed a seamless port with absolutely no graphical reduction whatsoever.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-151815.pngBurger Time AtariYeah, it looks bland and unappetizing, but I hope the decreased resolution also dulls the flavor of ABC gum and spilled beer.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-150618.pngBurger Time High ScoreAs you can see...I can't beat the default score even with unlimited credits.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-144007.pngBurger Time KitchenMy mother used to point at the exposed air ducts in McDonald's and tell 5-year-old me that they used the tubes to transport hamburgers. Now I know better; real kitchens actually look like *this.* 2015-02-22T14:48:47+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2015/01/05/donkey-kong-country-snes-game-boy-color/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-145855.pngDonkey Kong Country BananasCongratulations. You'll have more use for them than the Kremlings. But 99% of them will still rot before you can eat them. An illustration of wealth distribution in Ape society.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-135936.pngDonkey Kong Country Candy KongUh...this just disturbs me.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-133646.pngDonkey Kong Country Manky BarrelsAn illustration of Karma in Ape society.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-131206.pngParrot Donkey Kong CountryI'll call him "Bright Eyes." Comment if you get the joke.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-124347.pngDonkey Kong Country IceObligatory Ice Level Cliche.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-102742.pngDonkey Kong Country EnguardeObligatory Underwater Level by character with infinite lung capacity cliche. 2014-10-27T20:57:04+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/12/29/super-mario-rpg-the-legend-of-the-seven-stars-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0614-190242.pngsuper mario rpg booster barrelsAfter jumping over these things since 1981, do you think you could help me out a bit, Princess?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0614-152953.pngsuper mario rpg mole town racist...yo, is this racist?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0614-141228.pngsuper mario rpg amanitaYou can't ignore fan theories as crazy anymore. Mario officially lives in a world with psychadelic amanita mushrooms.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0614-102153.pngSuper Mario RPG Level UpYes! Level 2! Now to just finish off the final boss...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0614-101926.pngSuper Mario RPG Toad RetainerObviously "Mushroom Retainer" doesn't refer to a feudal warrior bodyguard. Perhaps it means the Princess regularly pays Toad for legal council? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-095713.pngSuper Mario RPG Smithy RepublicanHere we see Smithy at his forge, creating the Republican Party platform.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-0932181.pngSuper Mario RPG Toadstool SnakePeach slaps the snake. Should we interpret that as a euphamism?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-064307.pngSuper Mario RPG LuckyI don't know what bothers me more; that I only had a 10% success rate with three choices, or that they put "Yoshi" in quotation marks.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/retroarch-0611-093218.pngRetroArch-0611-0932182014-10-19T16:44:22+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/10/15/women-in-video-games-and-a-lesson-on-acceptance-and-understanding/2014-10-15T20:50:28+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/12/22/star-fox-64-n64-3ds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/star_fox_64_map.jpgStar_Fox_64_Maphttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/star-fox-64-retextured-3.jpgStar Fox 64 - land masterBecause why would you attack a train with a vehicle that can travel at mach-3 and shoot lasers and bombs when you could follow it at 10 mph and fire bullets?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/star-fox-64_apr14-10_45_23.jpgStar Fox 64 monkey...uhh, Falco, maybe we can cut back on the racism a bit? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/sf64.jpgstar fox 64 falco...I mean, get the three behind me. And also this one. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/lylat-wars.pngstar fox 64 use the brakeWhat worries me more; that someone built a plane with a mid-air brake, or that Fox accepted a deadly mission without knowing how to fly it? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/1361878-solar04.pngstar fox 9000 degreesYou mean 9 million, right? Please tell me you actually know how hot stars can get. Slippy...you dumbass.2014-10-13T15:54:14+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/10/06/age-of-empires-ii-age-of-kings-pc/2014-10-06T06:35:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/12/15/onimusha-dawn-of-dreams-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/onimusha-dawn-of-dreams-soki-minokuchi.jpgonimusha dawn of dreams minokichiSo cute you just want to squeeze him. Squeeze until his jar breaks and his eyes pop out of his oversized head. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/onimusha-dawn-of-dreams-soki-critical.jpgonimusha dawn of dreams critical hitIf I could take my own PS2 screenshots, you can bet I'd take a few that would show you something other than flashy lights.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/onimusha-dawn-of-dreams-ps2-_.jpgonimusha dawn of dreams iron clubJapanese mythology commonly depicts oni as monsters weilding iron clubs. This game has a bizarre sense of humor. Like look at a wall with a slightly crooked picture that you can't straighten. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/onimusha-dawn-of-dreams-20060303044801593.jpgonimusha-dawn-of-dreams-zombiesThus cementing the already obvious comparison to Resident Evil 4.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/onimusha-dawn-of-dreams.jpgonimusha-dawn-of-dreamshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/maxresdefault.jpgonimusha dawn of dreams screenshotNobody knows...the monsters I've seen. Nobody knows, but oni. 2014-10-06T04:06:19+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/12/01/star-fox-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/star-fox-header.jpgstar fox creepy norman batesOkay, everyone turn to your right and look creepy. No, creepier. Like something out of Norman Bates' childhood.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/retroarch-0614-094232.pngStar Fox VenomI think I designed something like this on my Laser 386sx. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/retroarch-0614-092842.pngStar Fox Slippy Toad DownI actually don't have a problem with this. Anyone else? No? Good. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/retroarch-0614-065209.pngStar Fox General Pepper AmoebaPshh. I think I know what to do if an amoeba attaches itself to my star fighter. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/retroarch-0614-045057.pngStar Fox AndrossDid someone forget to finish programming the boss? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/retroarch-0614-011850.pngStar Fox CorneriaDogs, apparently, live in giant blocks with no doors or windows. 2014-09-22T16:43:58+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/09/22/star-wars-shadows-of-the-empire-n64-pc/2014-09-22T06:38:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/12/08/dead-rising-2-ps3-xbox-360-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/snowflake-article_image.jpgsnowflake dead rising 2 tigerhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/snowflake.jpgSnowflakeYep. Somehow a tiger has lived in the mall for at least a day and no one has seen it. And if it doesn't join you, you never see it again. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/rebeccachang_3.pngRebecca Chang dead rising ...dead God, please let me hold the camera.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/maxresdefault.jpgchef antoine dead rising 2People? Can I guess people? Did you make people for dinner? Of course you did.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/knife-gloves.jpgDead Rising 2 knife glovesLook at those! Knife gloves. Pretty cool, huh? I couldn't ever find the parts to make them. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/dead_rising_2_combo_card_heliblade_justin_tv_2.pngDead_rising_2_combo_card_heliblade_justin_tv_(2)2014-09-21T15:54:33+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/11/24/final-fantasy-fables-chocobo-tales-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/whack-a-malboro.pngwhack a malboro masher chocobo talesWhack-a-Malboro. Easily the most addicting, and surprisingly the least likely to inspire violence. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/story_04-screenshot_large.jpgstory_04--screenshot_largehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/me0000834798_2.jpgblowgun blitz chocobo talesSome games make use of the DS microphone, like this one simulating a blow gun. When I regained consciousness, I found I had won the gold prize!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/final-fantasy-fables-chocobo-tales-20070216112211809.jpgpigs and tonberries chocobo talesWho needs a hungry, big bad wolf when you have an angry little tonberry with a knife and a grudge?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/finalfantasychocobotales_00b.jpgblizzaard blocks chocobo talesYeah, I've spent a lot of time on newer systems, but this one tries to look retro! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/chocobo_01-screenshot_large.jpgchocobo tales story shirma cromaThis Thanksgiving, enjoy a bird and a story that won't put you to sleep.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/card.pngrare card chocobo tales Three-star rarity! That would impress me more if every single card didn't have only one copy in the entire game.2014-09-16T17:16:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/11/17/darkened-skye-game-cube-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/darkenedskye_skittles-screenshot_large.jpgDarkened Skye SkittlesTaste the half-assed advertising campaign. I mean rainbow. Also, give us money. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/darkened-skye-gamecube-ngc-1304343529-023_m.jpgDarkened Skye Diminish LogFound this long before I got the shrink spell. Had to go through long after I got it. I didn't figure this out immediately.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/darkened_skye1324515112.jpgDarkened Skye ChinaIf I could take screenshots with my Game Cube, I'd show you the marionette glitch. But I can't. So here's a Chinese-looking guy instead.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/467217-d_007.jpgDarkened Skye CombatShit! I missed. Would you mind waiting for my candy to recharge? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/43782-darkened-skye-windows-screenshot-in-the-sky-pirate-realm-jump.jpgDarkened Skye Sky PirateI have to go where? Do these pillows at least have a railing? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/14760_full.jpgDarkened Skye DraakTrust me. You'll enjoy this picture more than his joke.2014-09-13T16:08:20+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/09/12/metroid-nes-gba/2014-09-12T07:53:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/about/2015-05-25T02:54:48+00:00weekly0.6https://retrocookie.com/2014/09/05/the-scoop-dos/2016-07-11T00:45:47+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/10/20/castlevania-symphony-of-the-night-playstation-1-psp-sega-saturn/2014-09-03T21:11:41+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/10/27/evil-dead-hail-to-the-king-ps1-dreamcast/2014-08-31T16:54:53+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/09/11/koudelka-ps1/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/roger-bacon.jpgRoger BaconRoger Baconhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/punch-chair.jpgpunch chairI punched a chair!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/lovecraft-horror.jpglovecraft horrorThis might look neat...if it weren't made of polygons.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/koudelka-clothes.jpgKoudelka clothesMany Victorian women preferred to wear bondage corsets as tops.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/koudelka-boxes.jpgKoudelka BoxesReally? You can't figure this one out?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/glass-guy.jpgglass guyThis guy! Dark...2014-08-31T16:50:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/04/25/resident-evil-deadly-silence-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/spider.jpgspiderYou should take solace in the fact that the spiders still qualify both as "big" and "hairy."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/knifing.jpgknifingFor those times when using a shotgun just wouldn't give you the same rush. Thinking of these two as adrenaline junkies really changes the tone of the game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/nam.jpgNamJill learned this in 'Nam.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/jill-sandwich.jpgJill SandwichYes. We get it. Now shut up and edit the script.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/dogs.jpgdogs...these guys. Still hate 'em.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/chrisblood.jpgchrisblood...because he should really see a doctor if his blood has the color and consistency of the green ketchup.2014-08-31T16:49:38+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/06/09/fatal-frame-ii-crimson-butterfly-ps2-xbox/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/ff2_e3_10_psd_jpgcopy.jpgff2_e3_10_psd_jpgcopyIf you manage to find a bright enough TV screen, you get to see an excellent rendering of a run-down, abandoned town.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/fatal-frame-wii3-600x337.jpgfatal-frame-wii3-600x337Now picture this without the edges of the screen, the girl following you, most of the girl leading, the house, the road, the trees and...well, see that lightly glowing spot at the center? I didn't see much more than that. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/fatal-frame-ii-screenshot-fatal-frame-ii-crimson-butterfly-11732067-640-480.jpgFatal-frame-II-screenshot-fatal-frame-ii-crimson-butterfly-11732067-640-480https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/fatalframe21-sgsb.jpgfatalframe21.sgsbBecause black and white scares people, reminding themof the dark days before Kodachrome and Technicolorhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/camera-shot.jpgcamera shotMost people believe they don't look good in pictures. Some people truly don't.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/227472-png.jpeg227472.pngSee! This girl creeps me out more than any of the ghosts in the game2014-08-31T16:48:34+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/04/17/valkyrie-profile-2-silmeria-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/valkyrie-profile-2-silmeria-292-4.jpgValkyrie-Profile-2-Silmeria-292-4Our non-valkyrie protagonist, protagonisting https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/valkyrie-profile-2-149.jpgvalkyrie-profile-2-149An insipid, directionless story, but beautifully rendered.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/silmeria_vp_lenneth.jpgSilmeria_VP_LennethOur titular valkyrie, not valkyrie-ing https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/kraken.jpgkrakenRelease the Kraken! Because apparently Norsemyth doesn't have enough monsters to keep us interested? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/hrist.jpghristEven a major antagonist takes priority over Silmeria on the box art.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/etre_anarchique.jpgEtre_anarchiqueJust a little cranky. Apparently he lost all purpose in life after killing Voldemort2014-08-31T16:43:48+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/22/shining-force-sega-genesis-game-boy-advance/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/shining-force-000021.jpgShining Force-000021Until this point in the game, they called him "Kane"https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/shining-force-000004.jpgShining Force-000004New menu box . . . every time. . . can't stand it...but at least inventory management isn't as bad as in Skyrim.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/shining-force-000001.jpgShining Force-000001https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/shining-force-000023.jpgShining Force-000023...have we met? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/shining-force-000010.jpgShining Force-000010When you wish upon a copyright infringement lawsuit...2014-08-31T16:42:13+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/07/25/shining-force-ii-sega-genesis/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1-shining-force-ii-000085.jpg1 Shining Force II-000085Should I mock the mass of amalgamated hair, or the softball stuffed down her dress?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1-shining-force-ii-000074.jpg1 Shining Force II-000074But we don't have the courtesy to do this during battle, of course.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1-shining-force-ii-000063.jpg1 Shining Force II-000063You cannot pass!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1-shining-force-ii-000052.jpg1 Shining Force II-000052Davey Jones? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1-shining-force-ii-000043.jpg1 Shining Force II-000043Squid!!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1-shining-force-ii-000014.jpg1 Shining Force II-000014Ah, yes, a translation to rival the works of Hemmingway, Milton, and Chaucer2014-09-02T04:34:45+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/08/29/assassins-creed-brotherhood-ps3-xbox-360-pc-mac/2014-08-29T07:01:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/11/03/mario-galaxy-wii-vs-wario-land-game-boy-an-alternative-prospective/2014-08-27T16:31:05+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/10/13/onimusha-warlords-genma-onimusha-ps2-xbox-pc/2014-08-27T15:51:22+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/08/22/metroid-prime-3-corruption-wii/2014-08-23T12:41:36+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/09/29/metroid-super-zeromission-snes-hack/2014-08-15T22:13:40+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/08/15/sands-of-destruction-nds/2014-08-15T06:48:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/08/11/ragnarok-the-fate-of-gods/2014-08-11T15:25:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/08/08/duck-tales-remastered-ps3/2014-08-08T06:29:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/12/25/super-star-wars-series-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0908-084033.pngReturn of the Jedi - SpeedersIt may look innoculous, but this level will make your hair fall out.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0908-083605.pngLeia JabbaGeeky Star Wars fans dress up their girlfriends like this. True Star Wars fans prefer to put themselves in Leia's place.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0908-073945.pngChewie Boba FettThey mumble this guy's name only once in a loud action scene, but somehow we all know Boba Fett. We have a Boba Fetish.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0908-062835.pngSuper Empire Strikes Back cut sceneNote: We need Chewie's lines. This completely changes the meaning of the story.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0908-062630.pngLight SpeedDrive along a Northern Michigan highway at night in the winter, then switch on your brights. Seriously; it looks just like this. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0907-220324.pngDeath Star TrenchI know I've gone lightly on the side-scrolling screenshots, but the games go for an interesting variety with the vehicle levels.2014-08-02T15:52:49+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/08/01/castlevania-iii-draculas-curse-nes/2014-09-09T03:51:42+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/07/19/kingdom-hearts-ii-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/tron.jpgtronThe game gives Sora new duds for each world. This may not sell the game for them.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/simba.jpgsimbaHot tuna frittata? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/mickey.jpgmickeyMickey Mouse: Bad Ass Warrior Kinghttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/jack-sparrow.jpgjack sparrowIt doesn't take much effort to see through Disney's attempt to capitalize on the popularity of a non-animated feature. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/hydra.jpghydraIn case pressing X to attack strains your efforts, you also have the option of pressing trianglehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/battle_of_the_1000_heartless_khii.pngBattle_of_the_1000_Heartless_KHIIAnd you'll stay there until you finish them all, young man!2014-07-19T02:32:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/07/11/mickey-mousecapade-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/retroarch-0611-011322.pngRetroArch-0611-011322The Pirates who don't do anything; they just stay at home and direct all passers-by and law enforcement agencies to their exact locationhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/retroarch-0611-012512.pngRetroArch-0611-012512...no guards. No wall. No chains. Why the hell did I have to save you?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/retroarch-0611-012316.pngRetroArch-0611-012316https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/retroarch-0611-011719.pngRetroArch-0611-011719https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/retroarch-0611-010800.pngRetroArch-0611-010800Porcine Kamikaze belong to the same genus as the lemming. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/retroarch-0611-011547.pngRetroArch-0611-011547https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/retroarch-0611-010644.pngRetroArch-0611-010644"Stop slacking off and come follow me into this dangerous wilderness!" 2014-08-18T08:55:18+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/08/gleeok/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/retroarch-0601-214525.pngLink ShovelHardly noticeable. Time to go mow some lawns.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/dig-dug.pngDig Dug2014-07-06T18:41:38+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/14/bubble-bobble-sequels-initial-reactions/2014-07-06T18:40:13+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/16/resident-evil-6-ps3-xbox-360-pc/2014-07-06T18:39:25+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/18/michael-jacksons-moonwalker-arcade/2014-07-06T18:37:14+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/21/castlevania-nes/2014-07-06T18:36:29+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/23/bubble-bobble-cross-stitch/2014-07-06T18:35:25+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/25/158/2014-07-06T18:34:37+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/26/radiant-historia-nds/2014-07-06T18:33:48+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/29/super-metroid-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/retroarch-0713-102240.pngRetroArch-0713-102240Sexy...if you go for women from the 1980s. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/retroarch-0713-090415.pngRetroArch-0713-090415https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/retroarch-0713-082146.pngRetroArch-0713-082146https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/retroarch-0713-0752341.pngRetroArch-0713-075234https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/retroarch-0713-103210.pngRetroArch-0713-1032102014-07-06T18:32:56+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/31/just-dance-2-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/just-dance-hot-stuff.jpgjust dance hot stuffThe glowing, indistinct faces ensure that Ubisoft doesn't have to pay anyone likeness rights.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/just_dance_2_coverart.pngJust_Dance_2_Coverart2014-07-06T18:32:11+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/03/skyward-sword-wii-initial-reactions/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/suspicious-links.jpegsuspicious linksAdvice for future releases. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/dangerous.jpgZelda Wood SwordA wooden sword? Did you whittle this yourself while sitting out in front of your cave yelling at the hoodlum octoroks to stop tearing up your yard?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/skyward-sword.jpgSkyward-SwordThis isn't combat. You realize he's just using "the all-powerful sword forged by the goddesses" to mow the lawn, right?2014-07-06T18:31:27+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/08/twilight-princess-game-cube-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/66781-legend_of_zelda_the_-_twilight_princess_europe_enfrdeesit-9.jpgTwilight Princess SceneryAnd this is about it...for thirty six hours...that's over a day, you realize.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/gfs_67607_2_13.jpgShadow BeastUnless you're the lead dog.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/twilight_princess_hd-7.jpgDark LinkLink and Shadow Link, ready to serve you with fava beans and a nice chiantihttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/2465632-dolphin2011042023101930.jpgZelda Not InterestedIt's not me, it's you...okay, it's you. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/tponemore-linkmidna-620x.jpgLink and MidnaMe and My Scary, Impish Shadow2014-07-06T18:30:52+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/14/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-1989-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/this-room.jpgThis roomThis room! ....ARRGHH!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/cutscene.jpgcutsceneAs opposed to the other guy who wears cheese graters on his shoulders?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/ninja-stuff.jpgninja stuffStupid Mario never thought of this, did he?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/splinter.jpgsplinterSplinter looks really creepy in 8-bitshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/shredder.jpgshredderI have to respect a villain who does his own fighting...but Shredder was kind of a pushover after the rest of the game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/tmnt-box.jpgTmnt-boxDid it bother anyone else that they were ALL Raphael?2014-07-06T18:29:16+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/15/phoenix-wright-ace-attorney/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/phoenix-wright-ace-attorney-ds-_.jpg_-Phoenix-Wright-Ace-Attorney-DS-_https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/large.jpglargehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/objection.jpgObjection2014-07-06T18:27:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/18/journey-ps3/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/snow.jpgjourney snowJackass...leaving me to freeze whie he bangs his head on a fricken wall...jackasshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/sun.jpgjourney sunYeah, yeah...everyone uses this image. It's the best from the game, but the rest are worth seeing, too.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/slide.jpgjourney Slide2014-07-06T18:27:03+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/25/metroid-zero-mission-game-boy-advance/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/metroid-zero-mission-ridleys-lair.gifMetroid-Zero-Mission-Ridleys-Lair...turn into this? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/first-ridley.pngfirst ridleyHow did this...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/wikipede.jpggiant centipede zero missionThis guy would appear occasionally, take a few missiles to the eye, then leave. Never explained. Never beat him. I named him "Wikipede"https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/kraid.jpgkraidI once caught a lizard THIIIIIIS big!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/shoulder-pads.jpegSamus - Shoulder PadsLike the 80s never went away.2014-07-06T18:25:37+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/28/duck-tales-nes-woo-ooh/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/mine-huey-dewey-and-louie.jpgMine Huey Dewey and LouieHey guys....what'cha doing in there? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/scrooge-snow-himalaya.jpgScrooge Snow HimalayaStop complaining, Scrooge. I come from Northern Michigan. This is a light dusting for us. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/scrooge-moon-treasure.jpgScrooge Moon Treasurehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/scrooge-moon-golf.jpgscrooge moon golfYep...even the duck is a better golfer than me.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/2343-sunday-night-in-korea.jpg2343 Sunday Night in KoreaDoesn't everyone watch Duck Tales on their wall while drinking martinis in a fedora?2014-07-06T18:24:53+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/08/31/super-scribblenauts-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/screenshot_nds_super_scribblenauts043.jpgscreenshot_nds_super_scribblenauts043Your tauntaun will . . . uh, freeze? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/scribblenautstrailer.jpgscribblenautstrailerI have to admire a game that encourages weirdness.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/super-scribblenauts-coming-this-fall.jpgSuper-Scribblenauts-Coming-This-Fall2014-07-06T18:24:02+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/09/13/trauma-center-second-opinion-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/trauma-center-second-opinion-1.jpgTrauma-Center-Second-Opinion-1You know, you're angry when you're beautiful.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/thrombus-blur.jpgthrombus blurhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/map.jpgmapI'm the map! The triangle icon moves in true Indiana Jones stylehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/live.jpgliveMelodrama at its finest. But you're not on the DS now...how about a little more effort in the animation?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/banner.jpgbanner2014-07-06T18:22:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/09/27/links-awakening-game-boy/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/retroarch-0906-110419.pngLink's Awakening Sky FishIt's a leopleuridon, Charley!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/retroarch-0906-103337.pngWind Fish Egg and InstrumentsNote that the only instrument he's actually playing is the one he wasn't specifically instructed to find.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/retroarch-0906-022024.pngMermaid Link's AwakeningNote which one is actually in the water.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/retroarch-0714-181048.pngEvil EagleThis guy...grr! Not too bright, but obnoxious.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/retroarch-0714-071505.pngLink's Awakening GenieShow of hands: who got stuck trying to figure out how to hurt this guy? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/retroarch-0714-055952.pngLink's Awakening GoombaIt's no longer a cute cameo when you tell Link to fight like Mario.2014-07-06T18:21:13+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/09/30/shadow-hearts-from-the-new-world-playstation-2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/shadow-hearts-full-7872961.jpgShadow.Hearts.full.787296https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/shftnw_mon_038.jpgShftnw_mon_038https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/dana.jpgDana Shadow HeartsWell, mostly non-humanoidhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/hqdefault.jpgjudgement ringYeah, it LOOKS easy...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/shadownewworld393.jpgshadownewworld393https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/shadow-hearts-full-787296.jpgShadow.Hearts.full.787296https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/gilbert.jpggilbert shadow heartsQuack, quack, quack!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/3d-frank.jpg3D-FrankSeriously...I'd play it just for this guy.2014-07-06T18:20:29+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/10/06/mike-tysons-punch-out-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/tyson-ko.jpgTyson KOIf you've ever played the game, this should offer some catharsis.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/piston-honda-racial-gibberish.jpgpiston honda racial gibberishPseudo-Japanese Gibberish at its finest. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/mike-tyson-punch-out.jpgMike Tyson punch-out11 Seconds and not dead. A personal best.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/king-hippo-profile.jpgking hippo profileTo everyone of Pacific Island heritage...I'm sorry.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/king-hippo-match.jpgking hippo matchNot nearly as bad as his role in "Captain N: The Gamemaster"https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/don-flamenco.jpgDon FlamencoA rose in his teeth. Because he's from Spain, see? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/bald-bull.jpgBald BullSeriously...for years I thought this is what Turks looked like.2014-07-06T18:19:41+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/10/16/shadow-hearts-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/shadowhearts_ps2box_usa_org_000.jpgShadow Hearts Box ArtShadow Hearts holds the distinction of having the most kick-ass box art of all time. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/shadowhearts-1.jpgshadowhearts-judgement ringFirst of many appearances by the judgement ringhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/masks.jpgmasks shadow heartsThe unwelcome house-guests of the soul take inspiration (mostly) from the suits of a tarot card deck.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/girls.jpgmargarete and aliceKinky! The second of four games, the female lead has gone up to about a B-cup. Future games will push those boundaries.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/alice.jpgshadow hearts tortureTorture...mini skirts...peg leg...there's so much going on in this scene I can't withstand the power. 2014-07-06T18:18:57+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/10/24/dr-jekyll-and-mr-hyde-nes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/rsl1.jpgRobert Louis StevensonRobert Louis Stevenson when they pitched the bird shit idea to him. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/retroarch-0906-155119.pngJekyll and Hyde NES endingThis is what happens when you finish. Literally. You see this screen. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/retroarch-0906-151611.pngRetroArch-0906-151611https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/retroarch-0906-144224.pngRetroArch-0906-144224As Mr. Hyde, beating up on brains makes you feel warm and fuzzy. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/retroarch-0906-144129.pngjekyll and hyde bird shitI wonder why it comes out pre-piled...2014-07-06T18:17:31+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/10/31/not-a-review-but-consider-it-a-halloween-bonus/2014-07-06T18:16:15+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/11/12/shadow-hearts-covenant-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/shadowheartscovenant-04.jpgKarin KoenigWhy play the game? Here are two big reasons. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/shadow-hearts-covenant-630647.jpgshadow-hearts-covenant.630647Torture scenes exist in all three main series games...but only here do you get a BDSM dominatrix along with the pain.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/sh2.jpgsh2https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/masaji_kato.pngMasaji_Kato_bruce_campbellSummoning demons with a book, resurrected girlfriend, and chins bigger than China...coincidence?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/inside_media-php.jpegAmonKarinYuri (as Amon) and Karin in homage to the box art to the original gamehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/egw1d3nwmti_o_shadow-hearts-covenant-walkthrough-18-blanca-infiltre.jpgblanca sidleYes, the dog is sidling to avoid being seen. 2014-07-06T18:15:37+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/11/21/zombies-ate-my-neighbors-snes-sega-genesis-virtual-console/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/zamntitle.jpgZAMNTitlehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/zamn4.jpgZAMN Player Select"Oh, is that hair gel?"https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/zamn3.jpgZAMN3https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/zamn2.jpgZAMN2Ever wonder what they keep in the back room at the grocery store?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/zamn1.jpgZAMN1https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/zamn-3.jpgZAMN.32014-07-06T18:14:42+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/11/27/castlevania-aria-of-sorrow-gba/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/soma-crosses-the-delaware.pngsoma crosses the delawareGeneral Soma Crosses the Delawarehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/castlevania_aria_of_sorrow___soma_cruz_by_grindguy-d52jaf5.jpgcastlevania_aria_of_sorrow___soma_cruz_by_grindguy-d52jaf5Furry and *Fabulous*!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/castlevania-e28093-aria-of-sorrow-for-android.jpgCastlevania-–-Aria-of-Sorrow-For-AndroidOld friends. Still a bitch, but I guess that's one of the two things you can always count on. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/aria_8_168.pngaria_8_168https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/aos10_lg.jpgAria of Sorrow ValkyrieOne of my favorites. Packs a litle more punch than a cross-boomerang.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/250px-ariaofsorrowcover.jpgAria of Sorrow Box Art2014-07-06T18:13:23+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/12/03/dragon-quest-dragon-warrior-nes-gbc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0907-193146.pngDragonlord DeadIs it to late to reconsider your offer?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0907-170941.pngGwaelin CarryYep...she makes you carry her halfway around the world.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0907-115739.pngNo Tomatoes TodayFirst the old man asks me to find his balls, and now this guy?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0907-170827.pngGwaelinhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0907-094525.pngRetroArch-0907-094525https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/retroarch-0907-091927.pngTantagel QuestI humbly accept this quest my liege, and...did you just take my wallet?2014-07-06T18:12:12+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/12/17/a-brief-history-of-video-games-as-literature/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/tolkien.jpegTolkienSoldier, professor, linguist, and self-described hobbit. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/rogue.gifrogueOh God! It's horrible! We must protest all this graphic violence in video games! https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/pong.jpegPongA romantic comedy about the back-and-forth relationship between two kids from opposite sides of the tracks.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/nudeone.jpgNude BathshebaOh, ye dirty girle! Ye needes a bathe. I bet ye like heated water...Why doth mine parchment feel sticky? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/journey.pngjourneyhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/bellaedward-555478_429621967081035_556763962_n.jpgZero PersonalitySo...I think I just figured out why people love these characters.2014-07-06T18:11:07+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/01/01/plants-vs-zombies-2-its-about-time-android-ios/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/pvz2_ss5.jpgPlants vs Zombies 2 GameplayThis shot shows some of the interesting mechanics added to the game. Unfortunately, they don't make it as interesting as it lookshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/pvzworld.pngPVZ Future WorldYup. Still waiting. They call it future world, but by the time they release it they'll have to call it "the Past." https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/pvzstore.jpegPlants vs Zombies storeThis screenshot alone nearly reaches the total I paid for the completed originalhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/pvzkey.jpgPVZ KeyYetis drop lunchboxes with prizes. Don't expect to get this, though; they deleted keys from the game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/pvz2oldmap.jpgPlants vs Zombies 2 Old MapThe map offers players branching paths that let them decide what order to unlock prizes. Don't expect to see this; they removed it from the game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/pvz1.jpgPlants vs Zombies 2 load screenA screenshot that successfully tells the player what to expect from the game--notice the load hasn't completed.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/pvz.gifPVZ2014-07-06T18:09:18+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/01/08/the-last-story-wii/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/7-customize.jpg7 CustomizeThe game doesn't offer much in the way of armor variety, but it allows you to change the color. I usually went with the "invisible" dye.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/6-strategy.jpg6 strategyThe best suggested strategies in this game more often than not fall terribly short of the standard run-in-waving-your-sword-at-anything-that-moves technique.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/5-cut-scene.jpg5 cut sceneZael putting the moves on Callista, showing her how to look at things like he can.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/4-ffiv.jpg4 ffivYou know, I find it amazing how this in no way resembles the octopus battle from Final Fantasy IV. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/3-gannondorf.jpg3 gannondorfI find it amazing how this in no way resembles a fuzzy-headed Gannondorfhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/2-town.png2 townhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/1-battle.jpg1 battleThis move requires you to target an area on the ground as you run up the side of a wall. Both actions use the joystick. I didn't use this often.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/0-title.jpgLast Title2014-07-06T18:07:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/01/17/minecraft-windows-os-x-linux-android-ios-xbox-360-raspberry-pi-playstation-3-playstation-vita-etc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/minecraft-360.jpgMinecraft-3602014-07-06T18:06:34+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/02/03/boss-monster-table-top-card-game/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/boss_monster_retail_box-small.jpgboss_monster_retail_box-small2014-07-06T18:05:37+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/02/09/secret-of-mana-snes/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0908-232939.pngSecret of mana sexy bookThe characters fighting a monster...Playboy? Well, the nuns at my sunday school did warn about the dangers of pornography.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0908-220614.pngFlammieLet me just flag down a cab here...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0908-175043.pngRetroArch-0908-175043https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0908-170924.pngSalamando TropicsAfter rescuing him from a plot to create a tropical resort...in the arctic. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0908-144453.pngcannon travel serviceA good way to see the world without getting probed by Airport security.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0908-124340.pngfrostiedThe game's elemental magic system lets you build snowmen! Out of the dying corpses of your foes, nonetheless.2015-09-20T12:55:05+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/02/18/dragon-quest-iv-chapters-of-the-chosen-nes-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/title.jpgTitle Dragon QuestStunning artwork by Akira Toriyama, which you will never see with the first-person battle system.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/screenshot_nds_dragon_quest_iv_chapters_of_the_chosen010.jpgscreenshot_nds_dragon_quest_iv_chapters_of_the_chosen010I spent a great deal of time wandering as the game felt I'd enjoy it more if I had no fucking clue about what I needed to do next.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/night.gifNight - Dragon Quest IVJust to mess with you, they included "night," which translates to "for half the game, you'll wait for the useful NPCs to wake up."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/ds-battle.jpgDS Battlehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/dragon_quest_iv_screen_19.jpgdragon_quest_iv_screen_19Thought I should include a screen shot of the NES version. Apparently they added the borderline-offensive gibberish for the DS versionhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/dragon-quest-iv_let-it-ride.gif Casino Dragon QuestThe game features a casino; If you want to waste more than time, why not waste money, too?2014-07-06T18:04:00+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/02/23/mystique-sex-games-custers-revenge-burning-desire-knight-on-the-town-atari-2600/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0909-032819.pngRetroArch-0909-032819https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0909-034932.pngRetroArch-0909-034932Apparently the monsters get to watch. I told you these games were kinky.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0909-033538.pngRetroArch-0909-033538I think I'll have a word with these people about the graphic nature of their pixels.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0909-031923.pngRetroArch-0909-031923https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/retroarch-0909-032211.pngRetroArch-0909-032211After running into an invisible cactus.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/1756536-lighthouses.jpg1756536-lighthousesWhich of these looks more realistic to you? 2014-07-06T18:03:04+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/03/13/valkyrie-profile-lenneth-ps1-psp/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/retroarch-0909-042133.pngbattle-maiden periodA battle maiden limited by periods? Dear god, do they even think these things through before they translate? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/retroarch-0909-035901.pngRetroArch-0909-035901https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/retroarch-0909-032812.pngFreya Odin Lennethhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/retroarch-0220-053039.pngblack dream towerDid I mention you only get to move in two dimensions? But hey, the design looks great!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/retroarch-0220-045531.pngAelia GandarKinkyhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/retroarch-0220-035315.pngValkyrie OniOne of Wagner's less-popular operas. Onis don't tend to live quite so far north.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/retroarch-0220-033021.pngmermaidAnd here we have...a mermaid? 2018-08-24T01:21:14+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/03/23/perfect-dark-n64/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/perfectdarku.jpgperfectdarkuhttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/pd-klobb.pngPD-KlobbPerfect Agent, yes, but in just a minute she'll get stuck trying to go around the barrier to pick up their ammo.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/multiplayer.jpgmultiplayerTo emphasize the connection with Goldeneye, look at this bathroom.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/mission02_27.jpgmission02_27This guy! Arrgh! I actually loaded a mission once because I just wanted to shoot him myself.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/large.jpglargeI, for one, really find it obnoxious that Mario shows up in the most random of games.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/image10.pngimage10https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/elvis.jpgelvisYes. He loves his new planet that much. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/dontshoot.jpgdon'tshootAt least these guys don't dance.2014-07-06T18:00:51+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/04/01/mega-man-ii-game-boy/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-052158.pngquint sakugarne"Sakugarne? It's not in the dictionary!" "Just run it through Babel Fish!" https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-052227.pngMega Man Salvador DaliCapcom blew their budget for this game by hiring Salvador Dalihttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-051548.pngMega Man BlinkYou closed your eyes! Great, now I have to take the picture again.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-050343.pngRetroArch-0305-050343Psst! Rock, can you step out of the picture? You make it look less like an imposing fortress and more like an ugly SUV.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-045503.pngRetroArch-0305-045503Did these guys creep out anyone else? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-044755.pngRetroArch-0305-044755https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-044854.pngRetroArch-0305-0448542014-07-06T17:59:49+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/04/09/metroid-ii-return-of-samus-game-boy/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-134144.pngmetroid samus shipWell, they hired me to kill you, but...just this once. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-133132.pngRetroArch-0305-133132https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-124629.pngRetroArch-0305-124629So if we watch them hatch and view them through every stage of their life...when do they turn into the jellyfish things? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-124150.pngRetroArch-0305-124150Beatiful scenery, well designed textures, a wonderful, distinct world and...oh shit. Spikes. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-070117.pngmetroid eggBeats hunting them by their droppingshttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/retroarch-0305-055029.pngRetroArch-0305-055029How did these guys get everywhere in the galaxy? Bad tourist policies? "Take only photographs. Leave only chozo statues."2014-07-06T17:58:39+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/05/01/super-mario-bros-1993-movie/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/super-mario-bros-movie-goomba.jpgsuper-mario-bros-movie-goombaWho could forget the loveable, chestnut-mushroom...hulking ape-lizards that...dance? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/poster.jpgposterOut of all the decisions this movie made that I don't like, I actually agree with their choice of tagline. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/mariomovie5.jpgmariomovie5Oh, God! Dennis! Keep that thing to yourself. You already make us feel uncomfortable. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/big-bertha.pngbig berthaWe all know about Mario's predeliction for sea food...no jokes about Bertha swallowing him whole, though.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/125fa3666769ffd8a4cc478ed8baa6690e70b015.jpgmario brosMamma mia! Did we a-just make-a this piece-a of shit? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/8.jpgkoopaKing Koopa: Fearless, terrible, all-powerful, and obsessive germophobe2014-07-06T17:55:53+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/05/09/final-fantasy-vii-playstation-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/goddesshorizontal_459.pnggoddesshorizontal_459Thank god they fixed this! Why, I could almost hear the fabric of society bunching up around my nethers!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/toosexy.pngtoosexyHe's too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it hurts! He's too sexy for that sword...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/title.jpgTitlehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/summon.jpgsummonSame old ATB, stand-in-a-straight-line combat system, but with runaway summon animations lasting over two minutes!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/tifa-final-fantasy-vii.jpgTifa-Final-Fantasy-VIISo what do you think...they look fake, don't they? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/safe.jpgsafe...Cloud, on the other hand, looks like he'd prefer some private time.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/sephiroth-fire.jpgSephiroth Fire"Must look intimidating...can't let them see...hair burning..."https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/chocobo.jpgchocoboAnyone who's ever raced a chocobo knows the triumph every time you defeat Teioh...and the pathetic reward that usually follows.2014-07-06T17:54:55+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/05/18/assassins-creed-2-ps3-xbox-360-pc-osx/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/wsjqa.jpgwsjqaI so rarely get the chance to depict a complete combat sequence using a photo instead of a video. . . https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/assassins_creed_2_scr025.jpgassassins_creed_2_scr025Ezio enjoys fine wine, long walks on the rooftop, and flinging himself off towering buildings as if a plate of steel and a pile of hay will help him survive.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/assassins_creed_2_scr007.jpgassassins_creed_2_scr007Ezio flying on a da Vinci prototype. I wanted to make a joke on decoding, but they actually have Leonardo crack codes--with all seriousness--regularly in the game.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/ac2_desmond_animus_hideout.pngAC2_Desmond_Animus_HideoutOur hero: daring, bold, eager, cross-eyed, and 100% irrelevant to the plot.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/ac2_2.jpgAC2_2Our cross-eyed hero, from the front. Seriously. While it doesn't add anything that the previous shot didn't show you, I literally could not find another shot of gameplay.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/ac2_3damc.jpgac2_3damcEzio staring at the hand of the King of the Cosmos, which could easily go unnoticed as the player doesn't need to focus on much except the radar in the lower-right.2014-07-06T17:53:53+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/05/26/jurassic-park-operation-genesis-ps2-xbox-pc/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/screen049-parkbuilding-10-dryosaurus.jpgScreen049-ParkBuilding-10-DryosaurusThey call this building the hatchery. I think it looks suspiciously like a raptor pen.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/jurassicgene_003-large.jpgjurassicgene_003-largehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/hqdefault.jpghqdefaultAllosaurus, a member of the Tyrannosaur family, struts for the camera. See, even T-Rex has relatives that embarass him at Thanksgiving.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/fight.jpgfightBecause Spielberg thought people would prefer an obscure species of predator to the historical favorite for the third film. Yeah. Smart move there. https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/fatality.jpegfatalityAs the game simulates an alternative reality where John Hammond succedes, capitalism seeps into every aspect of the game, including visitor deaths.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/attack.jpgattackNausea mode: where the camera jiggles, and the vomiting player simulates shooting dinosaurs on the ground below.2014-07-06T17:52:35+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/06/02/gauntlet-arcade-nes-gba-sega-genesis/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0306-180104.pngRetroArch-0306-180104But I still have to navigate your stupid dungeons? Fuck you!https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0306-175425.pngRetroArch-0306-175425As none of my screenshots from the Sega version seemed to take, you get this title screen.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0305-193518.pngRetroArch-0305-193518While pillaging and murdering your way through the dungeon, don't forget to stop and loot once in a while.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0305-191435.pngRetroArch-0305-191435This exciting screen. Every. Bleeping. Level. It adds about an hour on to your play time.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0305-184340.pngRetroArch-0305-184340I swear I went through this level about twenty times, each with a slightly different variation on the maze.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0305-183434.pngRetroArch-0305-183434Note that a lot of these screenshots look alike. Gauntlet doesn't exactly offer much in the way of scenery.2014-07-06T17:51:15+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/06/16/kingdom-hearts-ps2/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/pooh.jpgPOOHPooh (n), winny the: Small yellow bear with honey fetish. See also pooh (v) https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/khsephiroth.jpgkhsephirothPlayed by Lance Bass. Because when I think "Sephiroth," I think soft pop music for pre-teen girls.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/khbambi.jpgkhbambiDo I get the adult, powerful, many-antlered Bambi? Nope. I summon a baby deer to aid me in battle.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/kh5.jpgkh5https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/kh4.jpgkh4Genie fighting monsters in a psychadelic whale bowel. Because it makes sense.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/kh1.jpgkh1You hated him as an adult; now loath him as a child! At least this game also implies that he dies.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/8a65f67b519698555cafa6a03e1a20a35d7ff7fc.jpg8a65f67b519698555cafa6a03e1a20a35d7ff7fcPlayed by a Billy Zane pissed off that they cut him from Back to the Future III.2015-04-18T11:57:05+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/07/05/final-fantasy-iv-nds/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/screenshot_nds_final_fantasy_iv019.jpgscreenshot_nds_final_fantasy_iv019They put enough thought into the new translation so as to actually appear as though they put thought into the translation.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ffiv-inferno.jpgffiv-infernohttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ffiv-ds-group-shot.jpgFFIV DS group shothttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ffiv_cg.jpgffiv_cgA beatifully animated, fully-rendered 3D opening sequence, the style of which you never see again. Why does Rosa look like she has swine flu? https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ffiv_battle.jpgffiv_battlehttps://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ff4ios2.jpgff4ios2A more appropriate representation of in-game cut scenes, the character design obviously symbolises that neither Cecil nor Kain can see the path before them. Because of their helmets.2014-07-06T17:47:27+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2014/06/27/mystique-sex-games-round-2-atari-2600/https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0306-191521.pngRetroArch-0306-191521They say video games make kids believe they have extra lives in reality. Not Mystique: they only deal in spare genitalia.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0306-190923.pngRetroArch-0306-190923Here, the game challenges you to figure out the secret input to continue: up, down, repeat.https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0306-190247.pngRetroArch-0306-190247Because witches lactate, right?https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0306-190043.pngRetroArch-0306-190043Rule #1: Don't point your weapon at anything you don't intend to...well...https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0306-185436.pngRetroArch-0306-185436https://retrocookie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/retroarch-0306-184512.pngRetroArch-0306-184512An improved version of "Breakout." Nothing to shake a dick...I mean, nothing to shake a stick at.2014-07-06T17:46:08+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/09/06/technical-difficulties/2013-09-06T03:14:46+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/12/bubble-bobble-nes-arcade/2013-07-12T21:44:39+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.com/2013/07/12/upcoming-reviews-july-11-2013/2013-07-12T04:14:59+00:00monthlyhttps://retrocookie.comdaily1.02021-04-12T21:48:36+00:00